New Unwinese Bible

I am indebted to Eddie Arthur for showing me the way to this short article on English Bible Translations. The gist of Tim J Davy's argument is that there are enough English versions of the Bible now, and we should concentrate on other languages.

The soi disant "Archdruid" next door was very short with the idea. Her remark was "and there's money in these other languages, is there? You'll never go bust flogging new versions to Evos". Whereas I feel in my heart that there is a point here, and that after 1610 we had all the English versions we really needed.

But still, there are those for whom the beauty, majesty and above all direct inspiration of the Authorised Version are a little strong undiluted. There are those too lazy or spiritually unambitious to aspire to teaching themselves King James English. And others for whom there are spiritual or personality issues that make it difficult for them to come directly to the authentic word of God.

For these, I am working on some special versions. Eddie Arthur might not be happy, but I see it as my duty to labour in this vineyard until every special interest is met.

The Cynophobic Bible is written specially for people with an irrational fear of dogs. All canine references are replaced with badgers, in an attempt to make it dog-free. The passage where Jezebel comes to a nasty end is a classic.

The Andy Gray Bible is aimed specifically at male 50-something sports commentators. Designed to be light and easily portable, for climbing into high commentary positions, it consists only of the Epistles to Timothy.

The End-times Bible (2012 edition) is a new twist on the old Red-letter bibles. Any passages referring to the End of Things are highlighted in lurid colours in numerous different fonts.

The Kindle Fundamentalist Bible locks the Kindle's electronics so you'll never be able to read another book, ever. Some of them, after all, could be suspect.

The Embarrassed Christian's Bible is designed to fit into a hollowed-out version of  "Being Jordan", so people don't look at you on trains like you're odd or something.

The "As you Remember it Bible" is not something I really approve of. One of Eileen's sidelines, it contains all those parts of the Bible that people "remember" but aren't really there. All the people telling Noah that there won't be a flood, the lines "God helps those who help themselves" and "sexual sins are worse than little ones like greed and anger", the number (and names) of the 3 Wise Men, Mary Magdalene singing "I don't know how to love him", Mary riding a donkey to Bethlehem, the chariot race from Ben Hur, the "Beat groups playing a rock 'n' roll" in Nineveh, Noah's whale. Not to mention that bit where everyone notices how white-skinned and blue-eyed Jesus is, and comments that he must take after his Father.  They're all there, just as you remember them. And just as they weren't. I hope Eileen is reading Rev 22:18 very carefully.

Possibly for the less serious end of the market is the Unwinese Bible, which I suppose may at least be regarded as an attempt at another language. It's been suggested since the late Professor gained a certain reputation on Twitter. Personally I regard it as gibberish, but the Archdruid says she is fond of the 23rd Psalm:

O my Lordly sheepfolder, nothinglode am I lacksley
Makes me sleepybole in meadowlodes
besidemost the evenlodey watermeads.
He refreshleysouls me and guidesly in straightlypaths
Although nightlyboles in darkest deadlyloppers,
yet his pokeystick and sheepyguider are my comfortloaders.

Preparest thou a tablelopper comfeybold
before the peepyballs of my loathey-peoploaders.
Knapper is oiled anointywise
and overflowsie is my cup of tilty-elbow.
Surelymost goodlylode and affectionale are followly all my lifely daysimost,
and dwell in Godly household to lifely evenloder.
Deep joy.