As the Spirit Moved Them

I have been out of communication for a while. And I realise that the godly nature of my output will have been drowned, in these latter days, by the stream of neo-paganism from my neighbour, the so-called "Archdruid" Eileen. But I have been busy at the Lord's work. And now I am finished.

I have issued a booklet to the members of the Bogwulf Funambulist Baptists. It is - as you would expect, and should desire - extremely prescriptive.

Among its instructions, are contained the following:

• Make-up for women. I have no desire to be draconian. So I would certainly encourage women to have combed their hair and possibly put on some  lipstick. Although the lipstick should not be a lurid colour. I suggest lip colour, so nobody can see you are wearing it, lest they be unduly excited.
• Length of skirts for young women. At least 4 inches below the knee. The middle of the knee. Not the top, or bottom of the knee. Not that I have any interest in knees.
• Trousers - certainly not. That might be construed as an attempt to wear male clothing. And we know what the Lord thinks of the wearing of male clothing. At least, by women. Men doing it is perfectly acceptable. Indeed, that is what they should be doing.
• And as for wearing an extremely short scrap of skirt-like material, with merely some thick tights underneath - as some young ladies are in the habit  of doing - that is definitely out. Only this morning in Milton Keynes shopping centre, I saw two women wearing this kind of clothing. I was so surprised that I followed them for several minutes to assure myself that my eyes were not deceiving me. Eventually I was assisted by two security guards, who told me that the young women were indeed wearing such outfits, and it would be better for me if I stopped following them. They were indeed right. Such sights could have been dangerous to my soul.
• Bodily action during worshipful acts of music (or musical acts of worship): a small amount of bodily movement is inevitable when singing. However swinging of the hips is wrong and tends towards febrile over-excitement of the hormones. While one should avoid raising the hands above shoulder height. We are not charismatic. I mean Charismatics.
• Televisual programming: only from the BBC, and only from 6am until 9pm. And only for factual programmes, and certainly not for Coronation Street, which I am told (because I do not watch - see above) is encouraging a gay agenda. Certain approved religious satellite channels, from my "approved list", which I am currently updating in the light of Love Wins and the most recent failed apocalypses.
• Dancing: You asking? Then no.
• Approved working environments: anywhere godly. In the retail industry that means places that do not sell alcohol, material that my wife Marjory would deem offensive (which would include the Guardian) or prophylactics, unless the purchasers can prove they are in a long-term married relationship.
• Decisions in the home - marriage is a partnership. Women are to be trusted to make important decisions in their own sphere - such as which vegetables to serve with the daily meat that the husband has selected, or which day of the week on which to change the sheets, and the correct order to hoover the house.
• People of other faiths (I include Catholics, Anglicans and Methodists here, and members of other, less enlightened, Baptist churches). These people must be shown the error of their ways by gentle persuasion. Generally this gentle persuasion should be carried out by shouting at them through megaphones in Dunstable shopping centre. Do not discuss lighter matters with them - if you must work with these fiends, then keep the conversation strictly to the matters at hand and then continue in your working role.

Ah, brothers and sisters, it is wonderful, is it not, to live in the Freedom of the Spirit?