Archdruid: Good morning, and welcome to the Regeneration Game! Nice to see you, to see you...
All: ...nice
Archdruid: What a nice congregation you are. So much better than last week's. And now let's meet the lovely Burton Dasset.
Silly music. Burton walks on.
Archdruid: And what are you wearing this week, Burton?
Burton: Old beer festival T-shirt and an anorak, same as every Saturday.
Archdruid: Well, give us a twirl.
Burton does a twirl, falls off the stage..
Archdruid: And now let's meet our contestants. In a tribute to the New Frontiers "300" conference, both teams are fathers and daughters. So we'll have no doubts who's in charge. It also has the advantage that I can flirt with the fathers, while Burton leches after the daughters.
Burton: So we have John and Suzy Zimmerman, from Chorleywood in Buckinghamshire. John is a quantity surveyor, and Suzy likes pressing flowers and not worrying her pretty head about things.
Archdruid: John, it says here that you once over-ordered three pallets of Ibstock Red bricks when it should have been two. Is that really the most exciting and amusing thing that ever happened to you?
John: Yes.
Archdruid: I'll make a note of that... typical... quantity... surveyor.
Burton: And our second team is Rodney and Ellie Ellison from Newcastle.
Archdruid: Way-ey, Rodnee - hoor's laif in the Nurth-East, hawey bonnie lad?
Rodney: We've only lived there for six weeks. I'm actually from Carshalton.
Archdruid: I'm in charge.
Burton: And something amusing once happened to Rodney, but he can't remember what it was.
Archdruid: Well, on with our first game, which is called "Incense the Moot House". And your job is to process correctly to the Worship Focus, Incense the Table of Meeting, and then hang the thurible up on its stand. Hopefully with amusing consquences.
[Solemn music plays, as mayhem reigns for three minutes followed by the beeps]
Incense expert we've never heard of: Well, Rodney and Ellie, you did quite well. You went the right way round the Worship Table, although there was that awkward moment when you toppled over while genuflecting. And it was a bit of a basic error, forgetting to light the incense. I'm giving you three out of five.
[Patronising applause]
Incense expert we've never heard of: John and Suzie did quite well, right up to the point where they accidentally burned down the Doily Shed. I'm going to give them four.
Archdruid: Didn't they do well?
[Patronising applause]
The peace:
Archdruid: You're my favourites!
[All may share the sign of "Alright my love".]
Archdruid: And the first one is a former curate at All Soul's, Langham Place. What do you reckon, Suzy - higher or lower?
Suzy: Higher
Archdruid: Higher than All Souls.... Yes! It's a vicar in an inner-city liberal Catholic parish. Ellie - higher or lower?
Ellie: Higher?
Archdruid: Well done! It's a member of the SSC! Higher or lower, John?
All: Lower! Lower!
John: Lower.
Archdruid: And it's.... a member of the Order of St Wilfrid and St Hilda. Oh dear. Afraid you don't get anything for a pair...
All: Not in this game.
Archdruid: So let's take a look at the old hymnboards....
Burton: John and Suzy have 6, and Rodney and Ellie have 5.
Archdruid: So, John's going to have a go for the big prize, on the conveyor belt tonight.
Burton: And on the conveyor-belt tonight - The ten commandments.
Archdruid: So, John - how many of the ten commandments can you remember in 2 minutes?
John: Remember your father and mother... Don't be idle.... Do as you would be done by.... Cuddly toy.... was it something about don't covet your neighbour's cuddly ass?
[Beeping noise]
Archdruid: What a lot he's got!
All: Hasn't he got a lot?
Dismissal
Archdruid: And from everyone here... and I do mean everyone.... Keeep Dancing!
All: And also with you.
Additional material with thanks to Phil Ritchie
"Bruce" from Wikipedia commons, Squeakbox.
Ooo, didn't they do well with this?
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