Breaking news...

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Beaker Dream Interpretation

You know how it is. You wake up in the morning - in a cold sweat or with a strange sense of peace - and realise that, in fact, it was all a dream.

But what did that dream actually mean? Some say it's your subconscious, processing all the events of the day. Some, that it's a message from your unconscious. Others, that the Divine can actually speak to us in our dreams. Still others, that if I need you to hold me tight, it's all I gotta do. Out there on the Internet there are millions of pages, while out there in what passes for the real world thousands of alleged experts, there are neo-pagan and psychological and even Christian bookstall attempting to tell you what your dreams mean.

I can't say this too strongly. Anybody who tells you what your dreams mean, is making an unverifiable claim with no basis. So now we've cleared that up, let's see what they mean.

Your teeth all falling out - A very common dream. This normally means that you have been worrying about all that sugar in the carbonated cola drinks you've been consuming. Or all your teeth are falling out.

You keep missing buses - Your dream "you" is just as unfit as the real "you". Take up jogging. Ideally, in your dreams, as that's less real effort.

Endlessly being unable to dial a phone number - You are being overtaken by the constant progress of technology. You feel incapable of keeping up with the next best thing. You have a PC but never switch it on in case the Government read your thoughts. Face it, you're a dinosaur.

Flying - This is a sign of repressed desire. Flying in a plane indicates you are fearful of technology. If you are flying without wings, you're worrying about appearing on the X-factor.

You are naked and surrounded by strangers  - You're a 2nd-rank member of the Royal Family enjoying a week's R&R after watching the Olympics.

Birds flying around your house  - An urge for freedom, but you sense that God has it all in hand. Unless you're Tippi Hedron.

You are dancing round Stonehenge with Herne the Hunter and Christopher Biggins - Your chakra's in a bit of a twist here. Have you considered acunpuncture?

Running and Not Getting Anywhere - You've got thirty-seven committee meetings, six hospital visits, twelve funerals and four baptisms in the next week. You're trying to find some "vision" but the Vision Committee is still working out its Mission Statement. Or Vision Statement. Or something. If you're not a minister of religion, this dream probably means that you're trying to get the Worship Group to play something that was written after 1994.

Being Lost - You have realised the existential truth behind Humanity's current position and purpose. This is not necessarily a good thing.

Being chased around rows of terraced houses by aliens - You ate too much pizza while watching Dr Who. Next time, lay off the anchovies.

Falling - You feel totally out of control of your life. Somebody else is making all the decisions for you. You strongly suspect it's Chris Moyles.

You are trying to preach a sermon, despite not having written it, or planned the service - A common anxiety dream for church ministers and preachers. Especially those who forgot they'd been invited to a party on a Saturday night and were too polite to go home.

4 comments:

  1. You are wonderful. Just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
  2. My dreams seem to involve being confined in small square rooms with wooden beds and no curtains at the tiny, non-opening windows high up in the wall.

    The ablutions consist of a tiny sink in the corner and a bucket under the bed.

    This room is shared with six other people, who share their BO with each other, along with other odours that I can't describe.

    I realise that as a good, clean living Christian that this must reflect a guilty conscience, but I can assure you that it's got something to do with time spent in Army Guardrooms with tiny cells (As the Guard Commander) not as an inmate.

    Life has a peculiar habit of catching up with me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I use dreambible.com when I have a weird dream.

    ReplyDelete

Please leave a liturgical response.