Sunday, 26 August 2012

Publishing the Bans

Sometimes this has got to be done. We're a tolerant bunch here in Husborne Crawley, but some bans need to be published.

We are hereby banning:

  • Automated public safety announcements at Luton Airport Parkway Station (I already knew that running downstairs carrying luggage is dangerous)
  • UB40
  • Burton Dasset's presentation of "Beers I have drunk" (which is basically a spreadsheet and a load of drivel about "Fuggles" and "Hallertau")
  • Chewing Gum
  • Cucumber sandwiches
  • Fifty Shades of Grey
  • George Galloway
  • Size 0 Models
  • Celebrity Big Brother
  • Anyone at all wearing Lycra outside cycle racing
  • People who say "It's a funny old world"
  • Jeans that hang halfway down teenagers' bums
  • Any more singles from George Michael
  • Swearing (except if it's me, in understandable circumstances)
  • Golden Delicious apples
  • Stella Artois Cidre
  • "Footprints"
  • The remake of "Wicker Man" with Nicholas Cage
  • Adverts made for the whole European market, with bad English dubs
  • The remake of "Italian Job"
  • The Mexican Wave
  • Eyelashes on cars
  • Drake and Lil Wayne (at Young Keith's request)
  • Ecuador
  • iPads
  • Over-exaggerations about the spiritual effects of cookery
  • Lord of the Dance
  • People dressing animals up (except for padded body-warmers for Jack Russells - they're OK)
  • Intolerance
So in short, if we see any of these on the premises, they're going in the Thin Place. Everybody has been warned.


  1. It's a funny old world, where George Galloway can be mentioned in the same post as tolerance. I think that it deserves a Mexican Wave.

  2. What's wrong with cucumber sandwiches?

    And I'm sure I would be deeply in love with my iPad, if I could afford one, or more to the point if my PCC Treasurer hadn't disagreed with my opinion that it was an essential tool for every parish priest. (Another thing to be banned, surely: uncooperative PCC treasurers. Or perhaps you don't have any of them?)

  3. And what's wrong with Size 0 Models - I assume you are referring to model locomotives. Perhaps you prefer 00 or even N gauge?

    1. Burton Dasset is very fond of showing off his "Hornby Dublo". I'm hoping that's a train set.

  4. Amen to all, except iPads.

    Written on my iPad.

    Ps cucumber sandwiches are more trouble than they're worth, Francis, IMHO. And they make you burp. Save them for Gazpacho. That's worth the trouble.

    Pps Jackets for Jack Russells? While (almost uniquely, I sometimes feel) really liking the breed, I have to say that they are really doggy dogs, and jackets might get in the way of what the really enjoy, which is scaring rabbits s***less.

    1. Pastor, only for Jack Russells in very cold weather. Although a feisty and sturdy breed, they do lose heat quickly, and don't let on like other, less doughty, specimens. Best on the safe side.

  5. Forgive my ignorance but what are the spiritual effects of cookery - over-exaggerated or otherwise?

  6. Best not, in my opinion. It's the "celebrity" version of Mastered at the moment. Not a patch on the other versions.


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