Friday, 14 September 2012

The Small Ads

Found in Surrey -  Fake American accent. Appears to have been used by a worship leader.

Wanted - Church Treasurer. Job would suit Accountant who can't get enough of the day job. No need for competency with large amounts of cash.

Lost. All the pews from our church. I say "lost". I mean "callously removed from the church by the minister and her evil henchpeople, the Church Committee". I'm bereft. I mean, my great-gran used to sit in one of those pews. Of course, I don't go there myself. I don't really go in for that kind of thing.

Found - 80 copies of Sounds of Living Waters. In a church in Cambridgeshire. And they're still using them. Can you believe it?

Are you Mark Driscoll? I seem to have found all your respect for the text and context of the Book of Esther. If you want it back, write to me enclosing a self-addressed, small padded envelope. And a matchbox. You don't want it getting any more dented.

Guitar for sale - good condition. Only four chords used.

We are a church in a small Oxfordshire country town, looking for new members of the choir. We are looking for Sopranos, Altos and Basses. But not Tenors. Oh no. We don't want tenors. Not after last time.

Having narrowly rejected Resolutions A + B, this parish is looking warily for a new Priest in Charge. The new incumbent could be a man or woman but, in order to keep the peace round here (s)he will ideally be quite tall, with a beard. Some of our members are keen to stress that having a good chance of fitting into our (male) village rugby team would be good - it is important to stress the manly side of Christianity, isn't it? Maybe being able to take the bass part at the annual Christmas concert would be good, too.

Found - young person in Church. Any idea how that happened?

Wanted - organist. Able to take orders gracefully, manage a large and rebellious choir, and accept that the minister picks all the hymns. Actually, scrub all that. Wanted - CD player and collection of praise CDs.

Wanted - large cork. Must fit the end of a tenor saxophone. No questions asked.

Are you a supernaturally gifted preacher, pastor, children's worker and administrator? Can you stop time, thus fitting more hours into the week than anyone else? Do you hear "Sabbath" and think "Five hours' sleep a night is enough for anyone"?  Are you able to raise large amounts of money, apparently effortlessly and without all those fraud charges the last minister had to endure? If so, please contact us for our Parish Profile.  Now we've written it, it turns out you're just the person we're looking for!

Wanted - Junior Church leaders. You need to be able to spare c 10 hours a week in preparing the teaching material, and then sit around on Sunday mornings hoping some children turn up. Incredibly you do exist, and it's a miracle.


  1. Wanted: Congregations!

    For Sale: 300 'As New' copies of Hymns Ancient and Modern.

    For Sale: Large, Historic, Grade 1 listed building. Much loved in local community, but out of use for many years. Has an interesting spire and garden with lots of upright markers and vaults. Restricted covenant prohibits its use for commercial purposes, sale or consumption of alcohol, public entertainment or dancing. Would make a good community space for a religious community, school or conference centre. Apply to the Vicarage....

  2. Lost or Stolen: Complete set of 'Beryl' crockery in green. Reward for immediate return as the coffee's getting cold.

  3. Junior Church Leading is the best ever! Probably because I DON'T spend around 10 hours per week preparing stuff and I DO get all the social side of church (meeting up with friends, drinking church coffee, no, I remember now, I've switched to church tea, more reliable, but can skip ALL those singy songs. Best of all, the children are desperate for me to bring in my samba kit - hey, that will liven up our sessions (although quite a few of the other leaders might have to forgive me for it).


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