Saturday, 22 September 2012

Was Jesus from Leicester?

Our ideas about the origins of Christianity could once again be turned on their head - for the third time this week - after the latest astounding manuscript find. A fractured fragment of parchment, found in a leather pouch on the newly-rediscovered body of Richard III under a car park in Leicester, suggests that Jesus may have spent his formative years in the English East Midlands.

One clue in what is being called the "Groby Gospel" comes in the Calming of the Storm. Jesus, wakened by his terrified disciples, greets them not with "O ye of little faith". Instead, "He looketh out at ye tempest and saith, 'Looks black o'er Bill's mothers.'"

The story of the feeding of the five thousand contains another key phrase. When asked what food they can find, it turns out to be "five cobs and two haddock". "Note that it is haddock," said Dr Publicity Hunter from the University of Oadby, "- if it had been cod, Jesus could conceivably have come from Northampton or Peterborough."

The Calling of the Disciples in this version also gives a clue as to Jesus' origins - "Follow me, me ducks." But what Dr Hunter says is the clincher, is in the Miraculous Catch of Fish. Where Peter jumps in the lake to get to Jesus, the Groby Gospel adds "but John stayed in the boat - because it was cold and he was a bit nesh."

"The best explanation for why Jesus was raised in Leicester comes from the early chapters of the Gospel," said Dr Hunter. "Knowing Herod is looking for the Baby Jesus, we are told that Mary and Joseph "fled to Enderby."

Yesterday on the street in Leicester, reaction was mixed. Many people that reporters asked said they were quite proud that Jesus was a local lad. But others asked us why the reporters were going around with a copy of the Bible which they had clearly written on with a green crayon. The debate continues.


  1. Stands to reason, dunnit! (From one Leicester lad to another)

  2. He who is without a horse among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her...

  3. Now is the winter of our resurrection....

  4. Well, another theory gazumped!

    I had heard the story that my Great Grandfather told and that has passed down the generations that the second coming actually happened in the form of Robin Hood. He was the goody, goody (allegedly) who robbed the rich to feed the poor and lived in a commune in Sherwood Forest. He eventually died in the middle of the Sherwood Oak, which holds his spirit, which explains whey it remains alive today.

    I've made the obligatory pilgrimage to Sherwood to see the famous oak, which is held up with a series of cables and a zimmer frame, but it's still there, as a witness to the second coming.

    I was told that his disciples such as Friar Tuck, Little John, William Scarlet and Will Tuck represent the 'fab four' original disciples, it was just that the times were so troubled that nobody took any notice of their gospel and the authorities took a dim view of their good actions and persecuted them.

    The story of Maid Marion is another misnomer. She was actually Jesus' mother, who looked after him very carefully and made sure that he was wearing his vest of mail when he went out robbing the rich. She was good as home cooking and bit of a Goddess in the 'Nigella' mould.

    The sequel to this story is due some time soon, so we need to be watchful and careful that we don't miss it in all of the fabricated stories around at the moment.

  5. Don't know about that. He may have travelled to Leicester but he was clearly from Glastonbury. They have a thorn to prove it.

  6. Don't know about that one, Erika. At least one of his disciples (Peter) apparently had a Leicester accent. Isn't that what it says in John when he's seen in the high priest's courtyard? I could swear it says 'You're one of them, for your Leicester accent gives you away'. And if a Leicester accent identified him as one of Jesus' disciples, well, then...!

  7. Well, if John stayed in the boat because he was "a bit nesh" that could equally place the Gospel narrative as taking place in Yorkshire. I'm sure it says somewhere that Jesus was born in Batley. And we all know God is a Yorkshireman.


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