Alex Ferguson - would always add on five minutes at the end of the service in the hope that somebody might be saved. There would be a hair-dryer in the vestry.
Harry Redknapp - would be a Methodist. No, an Anglican. No, a Pentecostal. No - a Presbyterian, but only for 10 weeks.
Kenny Dalglish - would be the previous incumbent, who everyone fondly remembers. But who then returns and tries to bring back the Alternative Service Book.
Roman Abramovich - would be the Bishop who thought up Common Tenure.
Pep Guardiola - would go off on retreat. And never come back.
There would be no ordained women.
The Chelsea dressing-room - would be the Church Committee from Hell.
Sam Allardyce - would scrap all that fiddly liturgy and fancy-dan theology, and just have rousing hymns.
There would be few black clergy, although the congregations would be largely black or Hispanic.
Queen's Park Rangers - would be one of those Baptist churches where they have a vote of no-confidence in the minister. Every month.
Brendan Rodgers - would be trying to struggle by with only one acolyte. He would introduce beautiful liturgy, but his congregation wouldn't understand it.
Jose Mourinho - would be an expert in church growth, but always moving on after falling out with the bishop.
The sermon would be replaced by "banter".
Arsene Wenger - would insist on letting the teenagers play in the Music Group, even when they were just beginners. But once they'd learnt a few chords, they'd be off to the local super-church. His church would always pay its Parish Share.
Roberto Mancini - would be checking the ads in the Church Times.