1 - When faced with a glorious sunset do you
a) Rejoice in the value-free spiritual thrill?
b) Look for a beetle to squash?
c) Slap on a load of sun-block?
d) Blame the Catholics?
e) Wow! Look at that sunset! It takes 9 - minutes - which is 9 followed by no zeroes minutes - for the light from the sun to reach us! Can we get a good shot with me looking at the sunset?
2 - Are you mostly a good person?
a) Yes, but I believe we should love ourselves as much as others.
b) Yes. Good people hate beetles, don't they?
c) Sorry. Missed the question. I was busy eating celery.
d) Of course. do you think I am a Catholic or something?
e) I'm made of a million - million - million - million - cells - each with its own mitochondria - and I'm pretty good-lookin', at any rate.
3 - How do you think the universe came into being?
a) God - a scary, hard-to-pin-down, completely un-cuddly ground of all Being is behind the wholly implausible events that created the world.
b) Evolution proves that we are superior to beetles, because mostly we squash them and not the other way round.
c) We are the product of exploding stars! Which were probably caused by global warming.
d) Completely randomly, a load of value-free stuff came from nothing. Best be nice, eh? Not like the Catholics,.
e) A million - million - million - million - million - (melts down into a singularity)
4) What causes all the sadness and pain in the world?
a) Human free-will and random chaos, which we can call "the Devil" if we're being all scary and anthropomorphic.
c) Eating meat.
d) Roman Catholics.
e) I would say "entropy", but being a particle physicist I'm not really good at explaining it. Can we get a shot of me looking all sad, at a volcanic explosion? On my good side...
5) Religion is rubbish, isn't it?
a) You may loath religion, but I prefer to talk of "spirituality".
b Beetles don't have any concept of God, and it doesn't do them any good.
c) The whole world is screaming with Mother Gaia.
d) Yes. And so are girls. They don't like me at all.
e) It's a load of woo. People should be looking at me. Look - I'm gorgeous, and I know about Physics.
Mostly a) - You're probably a Beaker person. You're handsome, spot-free and well balanced. Well done, you!
Mostly b) I'm guessing you're not a 6-legged member of the order Coleoptera?
Mostly c) You're 50% Beaker person, 50% Tofu. Please could I ask you for a voluntary "offering"?
Mostly d) I'm guessing you wear an anorak and collect train numbers. But you can't be me, because I don't blame the Catholics.
Mostly e) You're Prof Brian Cox and I claim my £10.