Tuesday, 1 January 2013

The New Year Liturgical Transfer Window Opens

And so we wake to the shattered dawn of the year that the Maya never dreamed we'd reach. Apart from the  ones who are with us today, who will no doubt still be sleeping the sleep of the righteous (many of them being Catholics or Pentecostals) after last night's moderate but happy festivities.

And as the New Year Liturgical Transfer Window opens, I'm sketching out my plans. Obviously there will be some changes needed - after all, even the C of E is bringing in a new man up front.

Obviously my main aim early this year is to try and shore up the liturgical defence. While we've been scoring some good ritual goals so far this season, we're slack at the back. Last week, for example - Charlii and Daphne were lively up front, leading the "Little Pebbles All-Age Messy Informal Family Christingle from Scratch" - but we let we were leaking worshippers when it came to the Collection. What's the point of doing all that good work and then letting it all slip like that?

So I'm thinking that the old defensive pairing of Hnaef and Burton may need some new blood injected. I'm reckoning that Hnaef is still solid, if a bit inclined to bring people down with late tackles as the service wears on, but Burton's just not quick enough for the modern game. If I can bring in a newer, more mobile Treasury Steward, who can just concentrate on stopping people leaving without paying, then Burton can be more usefully be deployed on the Bench doing what he does best - counting the money.

Likewise, I do feel we're lacking a bit of tightness in the Procession. In the high-impact, Premiership Worship League we live in, the tea lights have got to be held straight - especially with Liturgical Dress Code from now until Imbolc being "lacy". And it's no good having people carrying the pebbles who just aren't up to it. The punters expect pebbles the size of kittens these days, where in the past they were happy with pebbles the size of pebbles. The boutrosifers therefore need to be stronger in the back. Wheeling pebbles up the front in a wheel-barrow is just not liturgical good-practice. Plus it's a fire hazard. Which is bad news when someone's holding the tea light crooked and there's a lot of lace around. Also, I'm renaming the boutrosifers to petradakifers. I'm no Greek expert, but I reckon it sounds more impressive.

One area I feel we've neglected, however, is pastoral work. Again, we've focussed on going forward to such a degree that we're in danger of missing out the essentials. To this end, Charlii and Hnaef are going to visit everybody who's ill, every day. Twice. And also Old Mr Presley, who lives on his own and rarely gets to services on account of being "all shook up" after his earlier life. I'd go and see them myself, but I'm sadly allergic to sick people.

The good news is that I think we've got the core of a strong squad. I don't see any need to tinker with the nucleus as such - Young Keith, Charlii, the Hnaefs and myself are doing very well, thank you. We're gonna stay just as we are.

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