Liturgy of slapping people who deserve it with a wet fish

The people who deserve to be slapped with a wet fish may line up in front of the Slapping Podule.

N1: That Andrew Wakefield's got a point. Because the Government never responded to hysteria with a foolish public health measure, and people believed a self-publicising doctor against the scientific evidence, and the Press can't resist a scare story, it's all the Government's fault.

N1 is slapped with a wet fish.

N2: All the newspapers online going behind pay walls. It's a disgrace. They should stay free at the point of delivery, like the NHS.

N2 is slapped with a wet fish.

N3: I reckon we should all get a day off for Mrs Thatcher's funeral. It's what she would have wanted. Though I shall never forgive her for invading Iraq.

N3 is slapped with a wet fish.

N4: I flew to Tuvalu to see an exhibition on sea level rise. I think it's shocking, what people are doing to the atmosphere. Drove down to Gatwick, obviously - the trains are so ghastly.

N4 is slapped with a wet fish.

N5: I campaigned against the Poll Tax. Well, I signed the cheque in a very scruffy style. I was hoping the bank would bounce it. You're best to break the system from within. I like to think I was the straw that broke the camel's back.

N5 is slapped with a wet fish.

N6: I'm shocked about homelessness in the UK. In fact, I wrote a tweet. Didn't send it, though. Two sides, and all that.

N6 is slapped with a wet fish.

N7: It's plain to me that most of the unemployed don't want jobs. In fact, I reckon we've mixed up cause and effect. What if it's people that didn't want jobs that caused the downturn?

N7 is slapped with a wet fish.

N8: If it weren't for everybody demanding respect for their so-called "opinions", the Church would be able to lay down a clear, consistent line that I could sign up to.

N8 is slapped with a wet fish.

N9: I'm not saying I'm against selecting her as minister because she's a woman. But she's got children - how can she be dedicated to the church? And her husband might have undue influence over her - which is the church committee's job. Or even God's.

N9 is slapped with a wet fish.