Monday, 22 July 2013

Consumer Church Order of Service

Introit - Grab a croissant or pain au chocolat, and your choice of skinny, black or full-fat coffee. Cappuccino extra.

First Hymn - Grab your voting pad, you can choose it yourself! This is real democratic church, so the biggest pledger gets to pick.

1st Reading - Our survey said the Bible was a bit predictable, so today we're offering a selection from "The Little Book of Calm"

Second Hymn - The winner of last week's "What second hymn should we have" poll was "anything but Teach me to dance"

2nd Reading - A selection of the least meaningful inspirational thoughts from Internet vicar bots. i.e. a load of random aphorisms that have more to do with self-help than Jesus.

Third Hymn - A few minutes of soft-rock, with a tasteful if slightly over-indulgent guitar solo after the third chorus.

The Message - Charlii's inspirational thought will be accompanied by an audio-visual presentation, dancers, 3D effects, haunting music to back up the key points and a fair number of anecdotes to make everyone feel good.

Prayers - will be mostly for ourselves. However if anyone has any particular political agendas, can they text them to the prayer-line and we'll project them on the big screen.

Closing Hymn - something to make us feel good about ourselves.

If anyone feels particularly challenged by anything during the service can they let a member of the leadership know? We'll try and make sure it doesn't happen again.

1 comment :

  1. I heard a rather unusual "message" recently involving two or three major doctrines and their roots in the Old Testament and the early church, which I found very interesting although of course this approach does tend to reveal that some members of the congregation don't actually agree with some of the doctrines, or at least not with the explanation being presented.

    Pehaps Charlii's approach is easier, or anyway safer. I'm not sure what the Beaker Folk equivalent of the Old Testament and the early church would be - do they perhaps have oral tradition instead, which is quite conveniently malleable?


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