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Friday, 8 November 2013

Letters to the Church Magazine (2)

Sir - I have noted with delight the new church Facebook page. It is important that we're "up with the times" and "down with the kids". However, I do not have a computer.

Please could you print off the Facebook page every month and publish it as part of the Church Magazine?

Yours etc

Philip Reade-Swydeley.


Sir - I would like to thank you, and everybody in the parish, for the marvelous farewell party that you gave me. I was delighted with the wonderful set of golf clubs, and Susan has made many lovely recipes with "Jamie's Pukka Pastry", the cook-book you so kindly all gave her.

After a few months in Australia visiting my grandchildren, I am pleased to let you all know that I've moved into Honey Cottage, between "Dawkins" and the Old Custom House. I've let Bury & Shroud, our local undertakers, know that I'm available at ten minutes' notice should anyone die. And I'll happily marry the family members of any old friends from the parish. Indeed, I'm happy to chip in should anyone want any "additional" communion services held, in any down-time between the services that the new "vicar" is conducting.

I love to see my old friends, so why not just pop in for a chat about how good things were in the "old days"?

Yours etc,

Canon Neal Softener

Sir - I note that there are approximately 5,000 houses on the estate, and yet I know for a fact that the vicar has not visited most of the people that live here. In a random survey (I knocked on a number of houses in our street) only two people had actually received visits, and both of them had suffered bereavements since the vicar arrived. Not arrived at their door, you understand Arrived as incumbent.

I think it would set a good example if the vicar set herself a target of visiting, say, 100 houses a week. In this way, she will be raising the church's profile and providing great pastoral support. I realise she may find this quite daunting - indeed, she's not even started on this important task. But if she needs any assistance, I will happily lend her my spare torch, to help her find her way round on dark evenings.

Yours etc

Sydney Carters-Aheretic.

Sir - I think it is wonderful that St Myrtle's still has an open churchyard. So often these days, churchyards are closed to new burials or, worse, they have had all the stones cleared from the graves and arranged "tidily" around the churchyard walls. But a living churchyard, if I may call it that, where people are still returned to the earth to sleep with their ancestors, is a real visible sign of the Communion of Saints.

However, with an open churchyard - and occasionally open graves, which have just been dug and are awaiting their occupants - go certain health and safety issues. It would be better if, when such new graves are dug, they are surrounded by reflective tape or - at night - some flashing lights. These would be great medium-term goals. However, in the short term, please can someone get me out?

Yours etc

Charlie Chayfes-Baddley (via email)

Sir - I would like to protest most vigorously against last week's letter by Corin Apple.

Among some otherwise quite good suggestions about how to improve the church weekly newsletter, Mr Apple suggests that "the font is a bit old-fashioned, and could do with updating. Gothic is not very accessible, and perhaps something without serifs would be more user-friendly." In the first place, I would point out that the font is Perpendicular, not Gothic. Secondly, the font has been in this church for 400 years, and you will change it over my dead body. Thirdly, I don't think those are serifs. They're some kind of cherub. And the traditional spelling, in any case, is "seraphim".

Yours etc

Colonel Norman Grinnes-Wideley (retired)


Sir  - I have tolerated the new music group without much complaint. Nobody ever proved it was me that placed the nitroglycerine in the sound box of that guitar.

And now it seems we have a drummer in the music group! Now I know that the carpers will carp. But I will not do this. I am happy to welcome "Wilbur" as the latest addition to the corporate Sunday worship of our little community.

I just have one request. It seems to me that Wilbur's drum kit is not terribly well located. I think it would be a vast improvement if he played about 6 feet to the right. Just the other side of the North wall.

Yours etc

Barton Seagrave

Dear Sir - Why do we always call you "Sir" when we know your name is Audrey?

Yours etc

Roderick Headstone

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