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Thursday, 21 November 2013

Letters to the Church Magazine (3)

Dear Sir

There is a hole in the roof directly above the rear right-hand pew. It's quite a large hole and if we have a rainstorm I notice that the bucket that is placed under the drip can quickly become quite full.
Whenever I press the Church Wardens on the matter,  they say that because it requires replacing some limestone tiles, it will need a faculty. Also in the recent winds it was judged too dangerous for the builders to get up on the roof for an estimate.

This is all very well, but it is taking forever. Some Sunday mornings I go home soaked. If the weather turns really bad, I'm seriously considering sitting in another pew.

Yours etc

Mandy Pandy (Mrs)


Dear Sir

In the recent Synod debate on women bishops, it was suggested the arrangements for traditional parishes amounted to letting them choose their own bishops.

If so,  I suggest Graham Norton. He seems very nice. And I saw him on TV once in a dog collar, so I guess he must be SSM?

Yours etc

Kayleigh Bailey


Dear Sir

I'm afraid that since I have discovered a new, exciting place to worship, I will no longer be attending St Myrtle's.

It's a cutting-edge form of fellowshipping, called "cafe church". And they're so friendly - the acolytes always greet you warmly,  even asking my name - a really nice touch. My friend Jean introduced me to it, and she never used to be religious - shows how good their evangelism is!

They're not into heavy fund-raising and tithing, either. Unlike some churches I could mention, with particularly grasping treasurers (I'm looking at you, Gordon!), they're just happy to accept a minimum contribution for the coffee.

They accept all genders and sexualities, no questions asked.  And, although they're a bit light on theology, everyone feels thoroughly welcomed.

I really like it at St Arbuck's.

Yours etc

Walter "Smiffy" Smith


Dear Sir

People worry about inter-faith marriages. But it is our Silver Wedding next year, and we have never had a cross word.

My wife's Methodism has never taken an extreme form - indeed, her beliefs often appear to be almost the same as Christians. However, a certain sensitivity around her religious festivals is required. We have guinea pigs, and I always ensure she has no opportunity of sacrificing them and inspecting their entrails on Aldersgate Sunday.

Yours etc

Tim Tang



Dear Sir

Every Sunday the vicar follows me home, cooks me dinner, sits in my living room, and waits until Downton Abbey is on. Then she drinks my gin and abuses the characters for being "posh".

Some would say she's just being overly keen in pastoral matters, but it makes me uncomfortable. And I don't care if she is my wife. She should back off.

Yours etc

(Name with-held for safety reasons)


Dear Sir

Concerning the debate about what to call the vicar, if we can't call her "Father". Personally I just call her "Matron". She doesn't like it, but it makes me feel very comfortable.

Yours etc

Travis Perkins


Dear Sir

All this talk of lead thieves.  I do something about it, and all I get are complaints.

Yes, the gentleman in question was left dangling from the gutter, after I pushed his ladder over. But he wasn't there long.  Oh no. After I poked him with one of the Scouts' flags, he soon fell off.  Problem solved.

Yours etc

Gilly Killingam


Dear Sir

Tried, with no success, to access the new, exciting Church so-called website today. Absolutely rubbish. Couldn't even find it.

My grandson  tells me that this is because I don't have an Internet connection. Or a computer. Or a mobile phone. But this is not good enough.

The church's social media policy has clearly failed. The man who burnt William Tyndale has won. I shall have to read my exhaustive archives of the Church Magazine instead.

Yours etc

Chalky "Chalky" Chalke

1 comment :

  1. Dear Sir, Madam, Master or Miss or Ms (Can't be to sure),

    I'm writing to complain yet again about those very tiresome people who write stupid letters to the Church Magazine and take up space which could be better given over to more articles on Knitting Kneeler Covers or Flower Arranging from flowers recycled from graves etc, and even room for the occasional letter of complaint, as I note that the 2,389 letters of complaint that I've sent previously have not been printed, I presume due to lack of space?

    Yours in love and excitement,

    Mrs D Drawers.

    ReplyDelete

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