Friday, 8 November 2013

Letters to the Church Magazine

Sir - I note that the Head Server is no longer wearing pink lipstick. My great-aunt first donated a pink lipstick to St Myrtle's in her will, and subsequent Head Servers have honoured her memory. Just because the current Head Server is a 17st shot-blaster called "Tyson" does not mean you should blatantly dishonour the dead like this.

Yours etc

Arthur Wilmington-Bassett

Sir - The new Church Magazine cover features a fine picture of the Church, standing amongst our ancient and beautiful yew trees.

The previous picture used on the cover was from a 16th century wood print, where the yews were much younger. As a result the old picture gave us a view of the statue of St Myrtle, which was removed by the Roundheads in 1646.

If you continue with this new-fangled magazine cover, Cromwell will have won. Please rectify.

Yours etc

Major Stoneleigh-Hearted

Dear Sir

I have not been to St Myrtle's since you appointed a vicar with a beard. I believe the new minister is a woman; but you're not catching me out like that. Oh no.

Yours etc

Doris Morris

Dear Sir

My grandson has just logged me onto your new website thing. I was appalled.

I suppose one has to move with the times, but I was expecting to see an archive of all the old magazines, scanned and recorded for a worldwide readership. The Church Magazine goes back to 1654". Its first headline being "Xmas Fayre cancelled due to Christmas being cancelled." If you do not get these archives onto the site,  Cromwell will have won

I remember a particularly good article I submitted in 1962 - "Reflections on a Cold Spring". I would like to read it again, but my pile of back issues in the garage has collapsed into a black hole under its own gravity. If you do not get all the archives online, you will snatch this only joy from me.

I realise you may consider scanning all the back issues into your computer may take a while but are you not called to sacrifice yourself for others, less gullible than yourself? And bear in mind that production ceased during the Napoleonic, Crimean, First and Second World Wars. So it's not as big a job as you think.

Yours etc

Revd Buffington-Oddly
(Vicar,  1847-1971)

Sir - I went to church last week and there was a baptism.  As a result I was surrounded by strangers who didn't really understand what was going on.

When Our Lord told us to  "make disciples; baptising them", he clearly said we should go out to do it. No mention of them suddenly turning up at church asking how the Common Worship Book works. This nuisance must stop.

Yours etc,

Shirley Nott-Enuff


I noticed the other day that the new vicar is a married young woman.

This is dreadful. She could be having sex, or anything. Not during the service, obviously.  I mean generally. 
Not generally as in all over the place, clearly. I mean at home; with her husband, who I suppose is, at least, a man.

It's got so I can't go to church now without imagining the vicar enjoying sex. I'm shocked the Church has allowed this state of affairs to arise. And I now wish I hadn't used the word "arise". Please get it sorted out.

Your etc,

Vera Molby-Johnson (Miss)


  1. I have the oddest feeling that this post is entirely factual......

  2. A perfect illustration of why Letters to the Editor should be banned....

  3. As usual, torn between laughing and crying...

  4. I'm in favour of Letters to the Editor - especially if they're as funny as these!

  5. I only read the letters page, and the little filler bits at the bottom of each page. Would it be possible to print a condensed version of the Parish Mag in future, containing just these bits? Thank you.


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