"Good evening, children and parents! And today's a special service as we light a Christingle, think about the gifts God has given us, and remember that there's no Father Christmas.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! Did I say "No Father Christmas?" No, obviously what I meant to say was - no Father Christmas round here! He's back at the North Pole, wrapping up all the presents. Or he would be, if the Polar Ice Caps hadn't melted. No, he's not drowned. Oh no, he's at Lapland, of course. He had to move after Rudolf fell through the ice. No, he didn't! Just my little joke.
No, we're going to be celebrating all the gifts on the Christingle, and looking forward to Christmas, when your mums and dads will sneak into your bedrooms and leave... er... leave.... er.... look at all the presents Santa has left you! No danger of Santa not existing and your parents having to do it, instead, no-siree.
Oh come on, Michaela, stop crying. It's not like I told you the Tooth Fairy didn't exist, and that it's just your parents stealing your teeth and leaving a quid. And that's not such a bad thing, is it? After all, instead of you just having short-term financial gain, when your parents die you'll inherit the teeth all over again. Yes, obviously your parents will die one day. Oh come on, don't tell me nobody's ever mentioned that's gonna happen.
Anyway, in a tribute to Revd Kate Bottley, we've got Angela dressed up as a giant Christingle! And she's going to be singing "Everybody Christingle Now!" Here she is!
(Psst.... Angela.... Whatever you do, don't mention that Santa doesn't exist. I did it once, but I think I got away with it.)"
In sympathy with the Revd Simon Tatton-Brown, who fell off the tightrope all clergy walk at this time of year. There but for the grace of God...