Wednesday, 8 January 2014

The Beaker Folk of Midsomer Dibley Parish Council Planning Meeting

Archdruid: So now if we can move on to the planning application for the two-storey extension in Crow Lane. Now, I'm very keen we approve this because...

Hnaef: Eileen, I hate to interrupt you, but this is the Beaker Moot meeting. Why do you think we have any kind of jurisdiction over local planning?

Archdruid: Hnaef, your point is sound. But consider. We are an imaginary religious community in a small, scattered English village. And therefore, like Dibley and the Midsomer villages, we have whatever local government rights people imagine. That's how come I approved the Ridgmont bypass and the A421 upgrade.

Hnaef: I don't think that's right, Eileen. I'm going to ring up the council...

Archdruid: I think not, Hnaef. Don't forget that I am also the local Justice of the Peace. So you'll do no such thing, or I'll command that  Marston and Edith arrest you and detain you in the Doily Shed, until such time that you are taken from that place and flogged

Hnaef: You've got no right to do that!

Archdruid: Under the Delegation of Powers Act 2013, which I wrote (and approved) last week, I think you'll find I can. So schtum, or I'll approve my back-up Planning Permission to demolish your apartment...

Hnaef: What are you talking about? Our apartment is underneath yours!

Archdruid: And don't I know it. Sometimes I can barely sleep for the sound of knitting...

Hnaef: But your Archdruidical suite of apartments are going to fall down if you do that!

Archdruid: Of course not. As leader of an imaginary local community, under the meaning of the act, I have powers to suspend the laws of physics as long as I have good plot-driven reasons to do so.

Hnaef: In that case, I'll be quiet.

Archdriud: Thank you, Hnaef. Now, if there's no more objections, we'd better look into the recent spate of drownings. Where's the pathologist.....? Don't say that mysterious ailment, unknown to doctors, that I invented to make her more interesting has flared up again?


  1. In the interests of imaginary democracy, I should point out that combining an imaginary Church Council with an Imaginary Parish Council is against the suspended law of physics.

    When you multiply Z x X and divide by H you get an enormous pile of imaginary Elephant Dung, which while fertile takes an enormous amount of labour to spread on the Doily fields.

    However, under the Imaginary local employment act 2014, you may be entitled to enslave all tourists and visitors for a contracted period of 'life' to help to spread the imaginary Elephant dung on your fields.

    And, I was wondering if your local Imaginary Anglican Church has a Vicar just like the one in Midsomer Murders yesterday evening, because to my mind, she'd fit in very well with the Arch Druid, money making, power crazy and manipulative and every so slightly crooked. :)

  2. I'm pretty sure that vicar is moonlighting as a police inspector in Oxford. It all seems a bit dodgy to me.


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