The scene: the pearly gates. A lone figure walks through the blessed fields of dry ice and is greeted by a saintly form.
St Peter: Fred Phelps?
St Peter: You've been a bigot, a hate-monger, an anti-Semite. You've disrupted the funerals of brave soldiers. You have misrepresented God.
FP: Oops. That was wrong then?
St P: Yes. Now there's two lots of good news, and one bad.
FP: What's the good news?
St P: The Good News is what it always was. God's love is stronger than your hate. You can come in. And the other good news is - we've assigned a saint to look after you, help you settle in during your first few million years . He's been acting as your guardian angel, in fact. Though he's never claimed it was easy.
FP: So what's the bad news?
St P: Can I introduce you to St Sebastian? He's a soldier, and a gay icon. I reckon you boys gonna get along fine.
Hard as it is to say, may he rest in peace and rise in glory.