Saturday, 10 May 2014

Biblical Literalism Cuts A Swathe through Eurovision Church

Sorry no blogging yesterday. I did write one post, but realised it was rubbish and deleted it again. I blame the visit to the Rollright Stones, and then the terrible trouble caused by fundamentalism and wading birds at our new Fresh Expression, "Eurovision Church".

Now you know me. I'm no control freak. I let people get on with their lives, ruling by exception - as recommended in Machiavelli's lesser-read sequel, "The Prince II".

Especially when it comes to the Beaker Quire. They can toot and scrape what they like, as far as I'm concerned. But with the change of leadership, I'm going to have to step in and act.

I should have seen the warning signs. Normally when somebody steps down from a role - as Radcliffe did last month - it can take years to find volunteers. But Gryzelda was offering to be the new Quire Leader three days before Radcliffe broke his strumming hand in that freak "falling down the Wishing Well" incident. Gryzelda also swears that it was an accident that she dropped Radcliffe's new phone down the well, while allegedly admiring the Google Sky app. In broad daylight. And then not being able to lean over herself due to her claustrophobia, which is why Radcliffe leaned in. And swears she only "patted him on the back to encourage him", In any case, we were glad of her offering to step in. Not into the well - that just compounded Radcliffe's problems, when Gryzelda "jumped in to help him". I mean, stepped in to lead the Quire.

Thing is, though, Gryzelda is a bit of a Biblical literalist. First up, she banned all instruments in the Quire that aren't on "God's approved list of musical instruments". Which, in Gryzelda's KJV Psalm 150, amounts to:

Trumpet; psaltery; harp; timbrel; dance;stringed instruments; organs;  loud cymbals;  high sounding cymbals.

So the ocarinas; flutes; bodhran; drum kit (excepting crash and high hat): electronic keyboards; pan pipes; theremin; kazoo; comb and paper and spoons have all been thrown out. Turns out that God hates woodwind. On the other hand, castanets get in. Because if "dance" is to be regarded as a musical instrument, then surely King David must have been thinking of flamenco.

Poor old Buzzwold is one of the finest ecclesiastical spoons-players of his generation. So he suggested to Gryzelda that perhaps the list is supposed to be an indicative list - in much the same we don't have to be Phrygians, Pamphilians, or from the area around Cyrene to gain the benefits of Pentecost. But Gryzelda told him he was an evil Liberal who was adding to God's words, and if he didn't rock up Friday evening for Eurovision Church with a timbrel, he was out.

Buzzwold, never having heard of a timbrel, went off to do his best. Now, I've no idea where he got that flock of whimbrel from, but they had quite an impact last night. Let's just say that a flock of panicking whimbrel (or is the plural "whimbrels? No matter) did much the same to the Eurovision Church as the presence of Russia does to the ideals of Eurovision. Feathers and bird poo everywhere. The poor flamenco dancers. Their outfits were ruined. And so too the Beaker Folk in the national dress of 43 nations.

We've checked, and according to the Old Testament, whimbrels are clean animals. Yeah, well God may say that. Judging by the state of the Moot House floor this morning, Darwin wouldn't agree,

Also this morning, I have received a letter from the Evangelical Alliance. Apparently due to our tolerance of Eurovision Church, we are not allowed to be members. They note that we are already not members, and therefore request that we send a subscription, so they can expel us. Whimbrels, eh? Cause all the trouble in the world.

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