We had quite an exciting afternoon in London yesterday. I just could not believe that all those extraordinary beards the men were wearing could be real. I mean, in Victorian times every one of them would have had an urchin chasing after them shouting "Beaver!" Really, it's like Imperial Russia being conquered by campness.
Anyway. Turns out that 50% of them are indeed false. After a day up in Town pretending to be Edward VII, half of all hipsters like to go home and let the breeze cool their superheated chins.
The other revelation is that, when they're not false, tugging at people's beards is counted as a form of assault. Thankfully, pleading that we were from the sticks and had panicked at the sight of so much facial hair, we merely received a stern warning and an escort to St Pancras.
From now on, let Beaker Folk be warned, we are introducing a Beard Tithe. If you want to go around the place resembling Moses feel free. But not actually free, if you see what I mean. Fiver a week. If nothing else, it may discourage the Beaker men from going around looking like hedges.