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Wednesday, 10 September 2014

To the People of Scotland - A Reasoned Appeal

Dear people of Scotland. You may think that breaking up is hard to do - but don't go breaking our heart. If leaving us is easy, be sure that coming back must be harder. To help you in making your decision, below you can what you can expect in future from the continuing United Kingdom, or from recklessly throwing away security and going for independence.

I'm sure you will know what to do.

If you leave us now
If you stay another day

  • The new Scottish currency (the groat) will fall like a stone.
  • Bankers flood south to London, taking their subsidies with them
  • Every light entertainment programme will feature sword dancing and people shouting "hoots!"
  • Haggis blight
  • Scotland-wide batter shortage
  • The oil will run out.
  • Geordies wandering up and down the border, waving bundles of fivers
  • We will send Nick Clegg to see you every week.
  • Investigation of what is worn under the kilt at the new border crossings
  • Booze cruise supermarkets in Carlisle and Berwick, undermining the Scottish exchequer
  • Bubonic plague in the Gorbals (very nasty) 
  • Repatriation of George Galloway
  • Crazed bagpipers on every corner
  • It will rain in Glasgow all the time

  • Free piggy-backs to school for all  children, provided by friendly Cockneys.
  • Subsidised Famous Grouse
  • Removal of export duties on Irn Bru
  • Free chip shops selling state-provided deep-fried pizza and Milky Ways
  • 3rd January as an extra New Years' Holiday
  • We will admit Andy Murray is actually Scottish
  • Prince Charles will never wear a kilt again
  • Norman put back into the Great British Bake off
  • Berwick-on-Tweed returned to where it should always have been
  • "Braveheart" compulsory film in every English school
  • Tourists flock to "Sunny Glasgae" after it is declared the compulsory holiday destination for all English people
  • Corby to be declared a Celtic enclave
  • A new series of Taggart
  • A never-ending oil bonanza
  • Please, please don't go. Don't go. Don't go away. Please don't go. We're begging you to stay...

The future of television in an independent Scotland

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