Friday, 31 October 2014

A Reformation Day Protest

On this day in 1517, Martin Luther posted his 95 theses. Due to the nationalisation of the Holy Roman Postal Service, they didn't actually arrive until Old Lady Day, 1518.

But in remembrance of this day, we are glad to post the following 45 Whinges.
  1. The church is too cold.
  2. The minister's a woman.
  3. The hymn books smell.
  4. The Youth Group mumble when they lead the service. 
  5. The organist is too flashy.
  6. Why does the Press talk so much about sex and religion, and so little about the poor?
  7. The choir is out of tune.
  8. Don't like the coffee.
  9. The glue on the offertory envelopes tastes horrible.
  10. Barrack-room lawyer on the PCC.
  11. They won't let us sing carols in Advent. 
  12. The vicar is, apparently, a Pelagian.
  13. Which isn't so bad as the congregation are mostly Arians.
  14. Those kids are always running around.
  15. Don't like the smell of incense.
  16. Can we have little tokens to drop in the collection plate, to show we donate by direct debit?
  17. Three people died of old age during the 'Taize" intercessions. 
  18. Aaagh!  A clown in the service! Help!
  19. Why do we have to have an ecumenical service? The URC always want to preach, and the Salvation Army band always plays.
  20. The Circuit Steward won't give me a lift to meetings because we can't agree a reasonable contribution for petrol.
  21. The old pastor was better.
  22. Why doesn't somebody else clean the memorials?
  23. The flower arrangers are scary.
  24. It's a baptism on Sunday.
  25. We don't like the chairs in a horseshoe. Can we put them in a straight line?
  26. The BCP/old hymn book/ Songs of Living Waters was much nicer.
  27. The guitar solo was  8 minutes long.
  28. Why can't we sing "I Vow to Thee, my Country"?
  29. The church loos are across the graveyard.
  30. The radiant heaters on the ceiling burn the heads of bald people.
  31. The "radical" statue of Our Lady scares the kids.
  32. Why do we have Deanery services when nobody goes?
  33. The PCC meeting was three hours long.
  34. It's my turn to organise the Jumble Sale.
  35. We have to bring our own umbrellas to church for when it rains.
  36. The drummer would be about the right volume if he were playing on the other side of the graveyard. Preferably in the loo.
  37. The Minister never comes to see me.
  38. Somebody put a pumpkin in the pulpit. Oh, wait, it's the Minister.
  39. Mrs Charlton's chutney is too expensive at the Autumn Fayre.
  40. The Parish Share is impossible.
  41. There's too many notices.
  42. Why does little Agnetha always play St Mary at the Nativity? She's 42 now, and after 36 years it's time somebody else had a go.
  43. We feel really embarrassed by "interactive" sermons. 
  44. The Minister brings his dog round because he thinks it makes him seem more friendly. But the dog sheds hair on your carpet. 
  45. The sermon was too long.

3 comments :

  1. A corollary to number 29: they've been rejected by toilet twinning.org because nobody can find a latrine in Burundi willing to twin with them

    ReplyDelete
  2. No 23 is so true! ;)

    Maggie' one of the flower team' Brinkley x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Helen Devries02/11/2014, 02:20

    Pelagian? At least he's being British...better than the Arian Visigoths of the congregation whose bowels will no doubt burst while using the loos...

    ReplyDelete

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