1. Opening Devotions
The Archdruid lit a tea light, and implored us to "remember all the poor little kitties." She didn't specify which ones.
2. Minutes of the Last Meeting
These were approved, with the caveat that it was impossible to find anybody who had remained conscious to the end. It had been a long, and frequently boring, meeting. Somebody remarked that they hadn't had such a boring Moot since Archdruid Audrey's day, when people had persistently reminisced about what it was like under previous Archdruids.
3. Matters Arising
Chezter was told the minutes of the last meeting weren't that exciting, and he should go and take a shower.
4. Treasurer's Report
The Treasurer reported that he'd had a very pleasant trip to Wellingborough last week, sampling a new and exciting beer. The Chair said that was lovely, but we really wanted a report about how the Community money is going. The Treasurer screamed, saying he'd never seen a talking Chair, and he would never drink dry-hopped ale again.
5. Fundraising and Outreach
Oonagh asked, as is traditional at this point in the meeting, exactly why "fundraising" and "outreach" should ever fall into the same agenda item. Grizwolda pointed out that it's always been like that, and there's no reason to stop now. The Archdruid explained it was a virtuous circle. The more Beaker Folk we have, the more money comes in. And then we can build a bigger Moot House. Which will feel a bit empty. So we'll need more Beaker Folk to fill it. And pay for it. Besides, the Jumble Sale is our major outreach. Three years ago, somebody got stuck in the sweater they were trying on, and became a regular member of the congregation. We'll have to get them out of the sweater some time.
6. Great British Bake Off
Grizwolda moved the motion "that this Moot House supports Luis in the Great British Bake Off". Young Keith remarked he wished he was old enough to remember when Mel & Sue were still edgy. The Archdruid said that Wood & Walters were better. Burton Dasset said he quite used to fancy Hinge & Bracket. Burton was taken outside to have some news imparted to him.
7. Archdruid's Report
Archdruid Eileen reported that she was only here for the kick-backs and profits from the Beaker Bazaar and found the congregation annoying. She wished she could join a nunnery, but didn't have the Latin for the rigorous nunning exams*. Burton asked whether that wasn't last month's report. Eileen responded that this was every month's report.
8. New Moot House
Edith Weston remarked that the New Moot House wasn't as good as the Old Moot House. When asked why, she said it seemed newer. Eileen pointed out that the New Moot House was not so cluttered with decades of "donations" that we were unable to move around. She cited a wall-hanging that nobody dared remove because it was believed to be infected with anthrax spores. Edith said it was sad that we were giving up on the old traditions - processing round the Elfride Swancourt Memorial Pouring Jug, kissing the Icon of St Leodegarius, bowing to the Smaller Sarsen, contracting anthrax.
9. Overseas Mission
Everybody agreed this sounded a bit scary. But not as scary as Mission over here.
10. Tea Light Recycling
It was pointed out that tea lights are being thrown in landfill. By the simple application of heat, suggested Grumwold, it would be possible to melt the remaining wax from used tea lights into other cases, to reconstitute new tea lights from old - and then to melt the aluminium cases down to use as cricket bats.
Eileen asked, wouldn't that result in tea lights with no wicks? Grumwold responded that it didn't matter if it was any good or worked - this is ecological. Chazimir then asked whether melting down paraffin wax and reusing it was subject to any environmental laws.
The Secretary was asked to contact the European Commission for guidance.
11. Instant Coffee at Services
It's awful, isn't it? Wouldn't have been served at the Last Supper.
12. Fresh Expressions of Church
Ringwurm suggested "chalcedonic" and kerygmatic".
13. Any Other Business
Heel bars, breakfast cereal manufacturing, car maintenance.
* We miss you, Peter Cook.