Friday, 28 November 2014

Liturgy for Black Friday

Hymn: Manic Monday

Archdruid: It's Black Friday.

All: Ooooh!

Archdruid: To be followed by Cyber Monday!

All: Ooooh!

Archdruid: Then Ruby Tuesday, Sheffield Wednesday and Thursday Night Football.

All: Isn't that American?

Archdruid: Aren't they all? Let's join in our Litany of Materialism.

All: We bemoan this Black Friday that we have let God down
We have let ourselves down
We have started once again marking times and seasons
Not those that remember things that matter
Not remembering the rising and setting of the sun, the changing of the moon, the story of salvation
But dates tied instead to the desperation of retail marketing departments promotional cycles
We have heard the urge, deep within ourselves, to hoard up new belongings
While dispatching the old ones they replace
As aid to the countries that our selfishness makes poor.
We confess that even now
The entire back row is surfing for the new Paddington souvenir merchandising at 25% off
- hurry while it lasts
While Hnaef is quite clearly shopping for a new external hard drive
Under the pretence of looking up Eileen's Bible references in the original Greek on an iPhone app.
And so we recognise our weakness, 
Reproach ourselves for our transgressions,
And wish this service were over.
We've got cheap day returns to London where we plan to tear up Oxford Street
And at 5.30, when we return to the terminus 
- hallowed by Pancras and Betjeman
- we will complain to the guard that our tickets are not allowed on the train until 7pm
And we will get in the way of grumpy commuters with folding bikes
- and we shall repair to the Betjeman Arms [or, they may say, "The Euston Flyer" or"Doric Arch" or, if allowed by the Ordinary (and they don't get much Ordinary than the Archdruid) Bree Louise]
And there shall we bemoan that the evil retailers have sucked us into their orgy of materialism
That it was not our fault - we were merely the hapless victims in all this
And that London, having beer at 4 quid a pint [or they may say "Prosecco at 30 quid a bottle"] is a rip off
And we wish there were no such thing as Christmasses 
And we'll be glad when it's all over.

Archdruid: so you see, in a very real sense, we're all to blame for Black Friday

Hymn: "Saturday Night Fever"

Archdruid: go, and shop till you drop.

All: See you later!

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