"Baby Jesus takes on John Lewis" (Telegraph)
Panicked Church of England members wonder which side to support.
Senior bishop says "It's not so much either/or as both/and".
Member of the "Jesus Seminar" says that while there's doubt over the Nativity stories, there's a 65% chance there's a very nice John Lewis in Reading.
Waitrose, the autonomous region of John Lewis that has a fledgling independence movement, points out that a free cup of coffee is the perfect accompaniment to gold, frankincense or myrrh, and there's free parking for your camel.
Keen to get in on the action, Arcadia challenges Mithras to "have a go if you're hard enough".