Sunday, 29 March 2015

What do we want? Better Auras. When do we want them? All Time is Now

With gratitude to the Chairman for sharing this leaflet on a Spiritual Fayre in Chipping Sodbury.

The things that worry Chairman Bill are the random apostrophes. To which the person who made the flyer would no doubt say "don't come down heavy with your Judaeo-Christian-Enlightenment ideas of grammar. This is properly spiritual. And mindy-bodily."

No. There's other things that worry me.

The Chakra Dancing Demo's - what are they demonstrating against? And if it's poverty or Giles Coren or Iraq or something - are they sure that Chakra dancing is the most efficient way of getting from the war memorial to the town hall, or whatever the route is?

Native American and Dowsing - in what way do these go together? I thought dowsing was meant to be an olde English - or, at least, German Magickal - method for finding imaginary streams under people's gardens. Let's not lump People from the First Nations in with blokes called Hans with twigs of willow.

Manicures and Waxing - Now this is meant to be a mind, body and spirit show. And yes, manicures and waxing are used on parts of one's body. But I can't help worrying that people shouting in agony as they experience the worst pain they've known since childhood is not going to help the spiritual ambience. Gosh, I've had some terrible manicures. That's why we let Hnaef wear the nail varnish these days. And the waxing is going to be even worse.

"Holistic healing" I approve of. As long as people are encouraged to use prescribed drugs as well. And tell the doctor what they've been up to. And appreciate that, given the roots of the two words, "holistic healing" is a tautology. "Atomic healing" shouldn't really exist.

"Wheelchair friendly" worries me. Do wheelchairs, in the world of mind-body-spirit, have feelings? Should we be welcoming them? Isn't it more important we care for the people in the wheelchairs? After all, if the holistic healing isn't any good, they won't need the wheelchairs on the way out. It would be very wheelchair unfriendly. Suddenly these anthropomorphised wheelchairs would have no purpose.  They'd need some herbal tea's. Because, let's face it, the Indian Head isn't going to help them.

And how can you read angels? Is it like a "YMCA" thing? Do they spell out letters? Do the "mystic stalls" come and go at will, depending on the colour of the astral plane?

But most of all, I think the Chairman is right. It's the apostrophe's. I'll have three crystal's and a gross of scented tea light's.


  1. For some reason I am reminded of Victoria Wood's great line in one of her great monologues, describing in one sentence what an awful time her character had had:

    "It was trainee day at the bikini waxers."

    I think we can all identify with that.

  2. I'm with the Chairman. Punctuation is one of the first requirements of professionalism. I would never trust anyone to perform any procedure on my mind, my body, or my spirit (or any combination thereof) who was not competent with apostrophes.

    Almost as worrying, as you note, are the possibilities suggested by the juxtapositions of different offerings at the Fayre. I couldn't help being worried about whether the Chakra Dancing would be safe for those in the (friendly) wheelchairs (and vice versa). And I am quite sure I would not be able to relax and enjoy my therapeutic massage with an Indian Head in the booth, staring at me.

  3. It's simple. Herbal Tea is the name of a person, and whatever she's offering was mistakenly left off the poster. It was meant to be something like Herbal Tea's Hydrotherapy, or something. See? You could call and ask what Herbal Tea would do for you, or to you.


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