Monday, 13 April 2015

The Bald Man's Prayer

Oh Lord who made both hairy and balding men
listen to my prayer.
Listen to me, you who sit among the angels
who shine more brightly than even the top of my head
in the brightness of a spring sunrise.

Do not let the youths laugh at my balding head
do not let them mock my thinning locks
or if they do,
remember how you upheld Elisha in the same circumstances.
I'm not asking for a swarm of bears
maybe just the one?
That would do.
I'm not being greedy.
I wouldn't like them to suffer too much
maybe just a light mauling.

And Lord, remember my vulnerability to the weather.
For you make the rain to fall on the hipster and the baldy alike
and rain's OK. Because it dries off quick once you're in the dry
when you're as bald as I.
But don't let me be caught in the wind
when I've left the bobble hat at home.
And don't let the sun beat down on my unlotioned head
(for it's hard to apply sun tan lotion to a scalp that's not totally bald.
If only someone would invent Factor 50 Brylcream.
Perhaps you could inspire some devout chemist who works for L'Oreal?
And most of all, O Lord my protector,
keep me from the hail that bounces off my bony bonce.
Do you have any idea how much that hurts?

And so, Lord, protect me from overhanging branches
and brambles.
and stillicidal drips
and overflying birds.

Surely I shall be on the safe side
and wear a hoody all the days of my life.
takes 10 years off you, that does.
So thank you Lord for hoodies,
flat caps and trilbies
bobble hats and bicycle helmets
but not fedoras.
Unless you're Terry Pratchett, they make you look like a prat.



  1. I was going to put on my fedora and go out .... but now I've lost confidence. Perhaps I'll just stay indoors - alone, pate glowing in the tele's reflected light ... Alone - blue - and bald ........ sob.

  2. It's the unaccustomed sensation of the cold wind blowing through my hair and reaching my scalp that I am NOT enjoying.
    I've a lot more sympathy for my husband at the moment.


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