Friday, 23 October 2015

Liturgy for a Car Parked on the Pavement

Beaker Folk encircle the car parked on the pavement.

Archdruid: Let us judge not, lest we be judged.

All: But let's face it, it's pretty tempting, innit?

Archdruid: Shall we risk walking out into the road to get round this selfish get?

All: Though the traffic is heavy and two of us have baby buggies.

Archdruid: For wide is the road that leads to destruction.

All: But it's a sensible place to park.

Archdruid: And narrow is the path that leads to salvation.

All: And that twerp in the Fiat isn't making life any better.
All may lay their right index fingers on the car.

Archdruid: Can you feel the selfishness?

All: It flows along our arms, like unto the water that runs down Mount Hermon.

Archdruid: Can you feel the stupid?

All: It burns! It burns!

All may remove their right index fingers.

Archdruid: Let us give the car a blessing, in the hope that the blessing will pass to the driver.

Beaker-bearers lift their beakers

Charlii: I pour out the Beaker of Grape Juice for fruitfulness.

Young Keith: I pour our the Beaker of Honey for sweetness.

Hnaef: I pour out the Beaker of Grease, for smoother starting in cold weather.

Burton: I pour out the Beaker of Milk, for youthful reactions.

Stacey: I pour out the Beaker of Tripe, for this bloke's judgement.

Kylie: I apply the Beaker of Fermented Fish Intestines, for better eyesight.

Kayleigh: And I apply the Half-eaten Kebab of Completing the Exercise.

Driver: Oi! What you doin' to my car?

Departing Blessing:

Archdruid: Quick! Scarper! 


  1. This is wonderful; our community has a Facebook page devoted to photographic examples of dreadful parking, although the commentary is generally rather more profane than the dignified liturgy you have so thoughtfully devised....

  2. Just grab a piece of lamp-post and threaten to deck the driver - but make sure you have a magic ring in your pocket to make a quick getaway

  3. He's also breaking the law by driving with a blurred-out licence plate.

  4. Since you've got so many acolytes, couldn't they just have picked up the stupid thing and deposited it in the roadway? No yellow lines as far as I can see.


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