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Friday, 19 August 2016

Church Committee Subtitles

"We tried that before and it didn't work"

- Nothing has changed in the last 40 years. At least, not in this little world.

"We don't want to do anything that upsets people."

- A slow but quiet decline is preferable to a noisy change.

"People are saying"

- I am saying, but that doesn't sound very impressive on its own.

"With the greatest respect"

- Your opinion ain't worth a pile of dingo's kidneys

"I have been a member of this church for 60 years"

- I have no real argument but RESPECT MY AUTHORITY

"I believe the Spirit is saying"

- I have no real argument but RESPECT GOD'S AUTHORITY

"Does this need a faculty?"

- I have a great respect for the fabric of the church building and we should consider things properly.

"Sometimes we need to stop talking and arguing about what people want, and make the decision that is right for the church.

- I'm the bloody vicar, I am.*

"Does this need a faculty?"

- I'd like to delay this proposal for 12 months, by which time I'll get the other nay-sayers onto the committee

"I have brought a petition?"

- I've asked all the people who agree with me.

"If we do (X) Old Maisie won't come to church again."

- Old Maisie came to church last at Septuagesima 2001. She refused to come back because she didn't like the shade of green in the altar frontal. But her objection to (X) would be completely rational.

"I have some Any Other Business"

- I have something out of left field that means nobody will get home till midnight.

"If this mission is successful - will we have enough parking?"

- I hate change and this is the best I've got.

"Archdruid Elfride would never have allowed this."

- Elfride is dead, if indeed she ever existed, so you have no way of arguing with this. We loved Elfride. Like we will love you. Once you've gone.

"I don't understand why the diocese thinks we should pay so much."

- I believe that vicars can live on fresh air and sunshine. And why do they need families?

"Should we refer this to the Property Committee?

- Should be a good 6 months delay without even trying.

"And now for the Mission and Outreach Committee."

- Grab some popcorn. This will be a 30 minute explanation of why they've not met lately.


"Let us close the meeting in prayer"

- Probably the way we should have started it.


* (c) Monty Python (more or less)

1 comment :

  1. You have attended too many committee meetins, ArchDruid!

    I would also like to cite:-
    "Can I just say" - I am going to go on about this for 20 minutes.
    "At risk of repetition" - I am going to repeat the arguments da capo.
    "Why is it always me that has to take care of everything?" I refuse to let anyone else get so much as a look in as I am convinced that only I can do things properly.
    "Oh, you did know the meeting's been cancelled. Didn't you get my email?" What, you expect me to phone you about a meeting that's been cancelled at two hours' notice?
    And finally, never allow a husband/wife team on the same committee, unless you desire them to (a) combine against any outsider (b)rehearse their marital difficulties with the rest of the membership as reluctant spectators.

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