Sunday, 2 October 2016

All Purpose Pet Service Liturgy

At this time of year, many churches celebrate a "Pet Service" to celebrate the feast of that famous saint and animal lover, Dawn French. This liturgy brings together the Pet Services of many traditions in an ecumenical "melange". Like HP Sauce. Which goes so nicely with many forms of meat.

Hymn: All Things Bright and Beautiful


Archdruid: We acknowledge that we have let our furry and scaly friends down. And we are feeling...

Dogs: Ruff!

Archdruid: We have eaten many of our dumb little friends and we know that since, intellectually speaking, there ain't much between a cat and a cow, we're probably getting a bit hypocritical at this point...

Peta: Too right!  Meat is Murder!

Archdruid: And Milk is Manslaughter. For though we do not consume an actual animal, yet merely in drinking milk we are subsidising the price of veal and the contents of meat pies...

Bloke in Dodgy Ancient Middle Eastern Dress: Blessed are the cheesemakers.


At this point the terriers may notice that there are hamsters on the premises.

Archdruid: And so I shall lay on the ground and eat leeks and think of the Good Life with Richard Briers and Felicity Kendall.....

Men of a Certain Age: Ah! Felicity Kendall!

Archdruid: .....and will eat meat no more. Except maybe some nice rabbit pie.

Hnaef: Flopsy! Put your paws over your ears!

Archdruid: As St Francis might have said, "Do you want fries with that?"

All: Because he was a friar fryer.

Archdruid: Can we please try and mention animals without remembering that they're made of meat?

Peruvian Ecumenical Guests: Pass that guinea pig Eileen. Hnaef's just got the barbecue going!

HYMN: If I were an Octupus (I'd taste quite nice in a Portugese dish involving some spicy herbs).

Archdruid: Go in fleece

Sheep: Baah!

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