Samsung Note 7 Users: Woe is me. For I am an user of an exploding mobile.
Samsung: The new ones are safe!
A new Samsung 7 explodes, igniting the tea lights stand.
Apple Users: We are the smug. We spent a fortune and sold our children into slavery to buy iPhones and now we have priceless objects of desire that explode not, neither do they set fire to the kitchen like unto a tumble dryer.
Archdruid: Is that your alarm going off?
Apple User: Yea. Behold the latest update hath messed with the calendar function....
A Samsung 7 user spontaneously combusts
Samsung 7 Users: What can we do? Without constant access to Facebook the people perish.
Bereft we walk in darkness
Our eyes see only the real world.
We walk in a land of real, fleshy human beings
We have to meet potential partners by talking to people and having common interests.
We have to make conversation with our families
and make small talk even in pubs.
We are confronted with people who don't agree with our politics
and have to go all through the night watches without signing some virtue-signalling petition.
And behold Bake Off is really boring without a running commentary on Twitter.
Will this endure forever
or shall we just buy another phone?
Archdruid: Hang on, is Burton speaking in tongues?
All: No. He's just trying to pronounce "Huawei."