Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Liturgy of Baptism, Confirmation and Making a British Citizen of Meghan Markle

Based on this tweet:
And this Evening Standard Article that is so bad it may have to be fixed - currently telling us that Ms Markle will have to be baptised and confirmed "because she is a Protestant" and will need godparents to speak for her.

The Baptism

Bishop: Forasmuch as Meghan is a Protestant, and to enter into the holy state of Anglicanism and being Posh, she must be baptised.  Therefore I ask the godparents to speak for her....

Godparents: Can't she speak for herself? She is an adult.

Bishop: Yeah,  but she's gonna be a Royal. So she'd better get used to keeping her trap shut on matters of importance.

Godparents: Righty-ho. In that case can we just say that we reject sin, the flesh and the gutter press?

The Confirmation

Bishop: Forasmuch as, after baptism, Meghan is still half a Protestant, we'd better Confirm her as well. Make her a proper Catholic Anglican.

Godparents: Can she speak for herself this time?

Bishop: Yep.  Push off.

Godparents: OK. We'll be back as witnesses for the wedding?

Bishop: Whatever.

The Making of a British Citizen

The Queen: Given that  we're going to need Meghan to know where places in Britain are, and that Scotland's not part of London, then her being American is going to be a bit of a problem. So the answer is to make her a British citizen.

Bishop: Is this normally a part of a baptism service?

The Queen: Who's got the job of Supreme Governor, pointy-hat-boy?

Bishop: Good point.

The Queen: OK. Ignoring all the rules, and remembering that I own all the churches because one of my relatives killed any of the clergy that argued, I hereby decree that Meghan's as British as jellied eels and whatever ghastly food Cockneys eat with.

Dick Van Dyke: Gor blimey. Strike a Loight. Lambeff Wark.

Bishop: OK..... if we can proceed to the marriage then?

Duke of Edinburgh: Crack on. I've got some peasants to shoot...

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!


  1. My understanding from an American friend is that even though she attended an RC college, she was never baptized into any faith group. She is therefore at the moment a Pagan - and suitable to be a member of the Beaker Folk - can you not get in before the ABC and claim her as your own?

  2. Well I'm very pleased that Harry is marrying Angela Merkel


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