Friday, 16 February 2018

The Scandal of Halal Easter Eggs

Once again the racists of the Interwebs are claiming that Cadbury's eggs are "halal certified". As usual, at this time of the year, backed up by the claims of twerps such as Godfrey Bloom, that Cadbury's have stopped calling them "Easter" eggs.

And so the Birmingham Mail carries an article on the subject of "Is Cadbury Chocolate Halal?"

Well, if you're a Muslim who's wandered over here, please check with your local imam. I'm just an archdruid. But this is my view on the matter.

Most chocolate is halal. Not because a special prayer has been said over it. You don't have to slaughter little chocolatey creatures in a ritual way. But because chocolate is, fundamentally, vegetarian. Or, at least, lacto-vegetarian. Milk, cocoa powder, sugar - they're all halal. By definition. So most chocolate eggs likewise. Only if the chocolate contains gelatine does the halal or haram nature of the chocolate come into it.

So Cadbury's Easter eggs are halal by definition. If you're the sort of pea wit that boycotts halal products on some kind of twisted principle, feel free. But be aware that, on the same basis, the following products are generally halal:

  • Baked beans
  • Milk
  • Bread
  • Flat caps
  • Union jack flags (should you choose to eat one)
  • Butter
  • Eggs
  • Flour
  • Pizza bases
  • Pitta bread
  • Toast
  • Onions
  • Tap water

Basically, if you want a non-halal diet, you need to stick to vodka and bacon. Which sounds attractive but may not be sustainable long-term.

That photograph of "halal certified" Cadbuy's chocolate? It's from Malaysia. A Muslim country. They probably like to be careful over there.

And the idea that Cadbury's are taking the Easter out of the Easter egg? Well, a new discovery has recently been uncovered in the Egyptian desert, from a tomb just outside the Valley of Kings:

Inscription from an Egyptian tomb (4th Dynasty) -
"Thoth complains that Cadbury's have removed the word "Easter" from the egg"

They've been moaning about it a long time.

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.


  1. The irony about domestic animals is that they are species or subspecies whose ancestors were prepared to trust humans.
    Come Judgement Day, when we as a species are quizzed on how we have exercised our stewardship of the earth and it's non-human inhabitants, what shall we say?

  2. 'So Cadbury's Easter eggs are haram by definition', did you mean to write halal there?

  3. If Cadburys have a Harem,I hope that the #MeToo lobby pick up on it right away.


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