Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley

Cedar Tree how big it's grown

2009-11-11T09:29:00.001Z

Could not help but notice this string of yew thefts in the local papers. I am slightly worried about the resemblance of the alleged yew thief to our Assistant Druid to the Archdruid, Drayton Parslow. And suddenly slightly more worried about the Traditional Beaker Hedge that Young Keith has been planting on our School Lane boundary. But mostly concerned about the sheer number of puns in one article.

Catholics and Aliens

2009-11-11T01:00:00.003Z

As the English religious movement most likely to be able to communicate with extra-terrestrials (excluding certain House Churches in the West Midlands), we are pleased to pass on this offer from a local Catholic priest, who insisted that he would not have a cup of tea, no matter how much we suggested he should.

The Catholic Church is pleased to offer Aliens an Alien Ordinariate. Aliens may henceforth join the Catholic Church under exactly the same terms as they had in the past, but under a new media campaign that is intended to embarrass His Grace Ming the Merciless.
Alien priests will be free to join the Holy Catholic Church. However, ordination as real (not alien) priests will be at the discretion of the hierarchy. Tentacles are not a pre-requisite of being a priest.
Alien confirmation, which is dependent upon the laying on of tentacles, will not be regarded as a real confirmation. Aliens will have to receive the laying on of hands to become true Catholics. From real bishops. The ones with hands. Not tentacles.
Aliens wishing to become priests will require psychological profiling to ensure they do not have unnatural desires for aliens. Unfortunately, odds are they will have by definition. Let's face it, they're aliens.
Married aliens may be accepted for ordination as priests. But clearly they won't be real priests. After all, they're aliens.
Female alien priests will be requested to remain in the Church of Aliens, where they belong. They're not real priests, and they're probably not real females. Whatever "female" means in Alien circles.
On the whole, if you're an alien and you want to be a Catholic priest - best to wait till you retire. You'll not be a burden on our congregations then. Mind you, if being an alien you're due to retire at the age of 7,000, we'll have a bit of a wait for you. Maybe you could minister in the C of E in the meantime? They might not notice you're anything unusual.

The Large Hadron Collider Future Scientists Conspiracy Theory

2009-11-09T22:42:00.001Z

The Sun* has undertaken a rare venture into the worlds of philosophy and fundamental science. OK, it has the advantage of a couple of scientists with exotic names (to the Sun that is, we already know someone called Holger). These scientists have suggested that it is not the Large Hadron Collider itself, or even God, that is preventing the doom machine from working. No - it is scientists coming "back from the future " to protect themselves against us destroying their past.
My initial thought, that the Sun only took an interest in Hadrons for their anagram potential, I immediately condemned as unworthy.
But if they are scientists from the future, just causing electrical faults and leaks is hardly impressive. The piece of baguette is cheekier. I look forward to it being a beret next time, or a signed photograph of Toulouse Lautrec turning up in the place they insert the protons [insert own joke here]. Or, if they're being particularly cheeky, they could obstruct a ventilation shaft** with Richard Dawkins' epoch-making 2012 work "Why the World was made in 6 days - My Apology".

But we'll know if the theory is right if, next time they try to boot it up, they discover a De Lorean car in the collider. Even more amusing if the future scientists materialise in the Collider, drive it round a few times, and then, having reached 88 miles an hour (which I believe is somewhat slower than will account for relativistic speeds), disappear leaving a spinning number (or, as I believe our American cousins would call it, "licence") plate.

* I would like it noted that I did not pick this piece of news up during my daily read of the aforesaid news-sheet. I would like to give a hat-tip, as I believe it's called, to a tweet from Robin Eccles.

**they surely must have ventilation shafts in the LHC? If not, where do they climb to escape the aliens?

The great Guinea Pig Offer - continued

2009-11-09T19:02:00.002Z

More clarity is appearing on the offer from the Guinea Pig folk to the Moon Gibbon Folk. Apparently the Moon Gibbon Folk, if they move to Stewartby, will be entitled to continue to use the Beaker Common Prayer. Ironic, because none of them were using it anyway. They were using their own prayer book, the Wee Gibbon Worship Book. That's when they weren't already using the Guinea Pig People's own prayer book. Some of the more exteme Moon Gibbon folk were actually using the Guinea Pig service book in the original Guinea Pig, although to be honest even many of the real Guinea Pig folk don't really understand what all those grunts and whistles mean.
Apparently the Moon Gibbon folk's druids will continue to be "druids in all but name", albeit that apparently it's the "name" that means they can do all their druidic responsibilities since they will no longer be allowed to read entrails, cut mistletoe or light wicker men people. Apart from that, they'll just retain the ability to go around telling other people what to do. And let's face it, anyone can do that already round here, as long as they've got a cricket bat to hand.
So we wait and see. I've told Burton not to build any reductions in druidic fees into the budget for next year just yet. I get the feeling it's the "doing what you're told" clause they may suffer from.

Ceremony for the 20th anniversary of the bringing-down of the Berlin Wall

2009-11-09T08:47:00.000Z

Dress code: 1980s hair, or, out of respect the for the death of the dreams of a million schoolboy Marxists, anoraks and duffel coats.

Archdruid: Tonight we're gonna party...
All:            Like it's 1989.

Archdruid:   We remember the fall of the Wall - a symbol of oppression
All:           ... a symbol of failure

Archdruid: A godless society...
All:           ...never delivered the goods

At this point, Gilbert the Secularist may interpose with the words "you're lumping us all together! I'm one of the nice atheists - not like those communist ones! My kind's never been tried so it's bound to work!"

Archdruid: A failure of humanity
All:            A failure of the imagination.

Archdruid: We dance with those who danced on the wall
All:             We weep with those who wept.

Archdruid: And now we rejoice in our freedom - the freedom to imagine, to believe and to consume what we want.
All:            Bring on the wall!

A large wall with amusing holes cut into it moves across the Orchard. Beaker People throw themselves through it or, if failing to move quickly enough, are knocked into a comedy swimming pool.

Namings

2009-11-08T11:56:00.002Z

One of a druid's blessings is the chance to preside at naming ceremonies. There's something very solemn about giving a child a name - one that is given with love, with care, with consideration for our hopes for their future and yet knowing that they stand at just one point - currently the latest - in their families' traditions.
And yet sometimes you do wonder. I mean take this morning. I know that some families, in some kind of attempt at being aspirational, have named their children things like "Chardonnay", "Chanel", Brooklyn and "Porsche". But all the same, today's naming of the Browns seemed to be pushing it.
Still, we hope this morning's children will be blessed by the Occasion. And that "Merlot Shiraz", "Skoda", "Hammersmith Broadway" and "Calvin Klein" will have long, happy and spirtually-fulfilled lives.

Large Hadron Bird Feeder

2009-11-07T19:42:00.001Z

We're a little concerned that, after being told the Large Hadron Collider was ready to roll, and that God wasn't stopping it , once again it is not working. This time because a bird has dropped a piece of baguette in the cooling machinery. Even more concerned that apparently it took members of the public to notify the scientists responsible for the time-bomb machine. What were those scientists doing when they should have been looking out for overheating hadrons? Our suspicion is that they were probably feeding the birds.
Or alternatively - given his association with ravens - perhaps what they've actually built is a Large Odin Collider? No wonder his Norseness would get upset and stop the machine working. After all, having been injected into the Collider and whizzed around at speeds near to the speed of light, any deity's going to be feeling a bit thor.
But back to the bird strike. Naturally, with all those French scientists around, it was going to be a bit of baguette - but if they whizzed it once round would they be able to get it warmed up? Have we actually funded the Large Hadron Toaster?

Anyone else see the irony in this?

2009-11-07T07:48:00.004Z

Temperance, Michigan arrived from google.com on "Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley: Swine Flu and Drinking Alcohol" by searching for drink alcohol kill flu.

Dumbing Down of Exam Standards

2009-11-06T13:28:00.002Z

There has been a great deal of fuss over the alleged dumbing-down of Science Exam standards.

Oddly some of this was aimed at our own Beaker Examining Board. Some people seemed to think we have abandoned scientific impartiality in order to "target" (whatever that may mean) the Faith School market. I hope last year's Year 9 Science exam, attached below, will prove this is not true.

BEAKER EXAMINING BOARD

YEAR 9 SCIENCE FOR FUNDAMENTALISTS

Please write only in green crayon and on one side of the earth (the flat side) only.

Section 1 - PHYSICS

1 - "Light is...."
(a) A wave
(b) A stream of particles, or "photons"
(c) Both of the above depending upon your frame of reference and the type of experiment you are carrying out
(d) God's clothing

2 - Why do we not float off from the earth?
(a) Gravitional attraction
(b) Because it's flat
(c) Because it's a giant magnet and we have iron in our bodies
(d) Because God said.

3. The universe is claimed to be c. 12 billion years old, yet the farthest stars are apparently 25 billion light years away. Explain?
(a) There's something wrong with the calculation
(b) The expansion of the universe has caused it.
(c) Some stars travel in warp drive.
(d) God set it up so it looked that way, in 4004BC. He created all the light on its way in at the same time. This was a very clever trick to test the faithful and fool those who are wise in their own eyes.

4. The limits on radiocarbon dating are now up to 70 thousand years. What would this be useful for?
(a) Checking the freshness of food in supermarkets.
(b) Dating mammoths, stone-age humans and petrified forests.
(c) Nothing whatsover.

5. Schrodinger's cat is...
(a) A thought experiment
(b) A very cruel experiment, which proves why we should not trust scientists
(c) Demised
(d) Very much still with us
(e) 50% (c) and 50% (d)
(f) Hang on, I'll just open the box. Oh dear...

6. Fire is...
(a) The glowing of particles releasing energy after combustion
(b) One of the four elements, alongside water, earth and air
(c) A useful tool in dealing with heresy

Section 2 - GEOLOGY

1- How did fossils come to be in the rock strata?
(a) They're the remains of animals that were caught in the Flood
(b) They were put there by God to test us in our faith
(c) They were put there by the evil one to tempt us to abandon our faith
(d) They were put there by Steve Borthwick to confuse us.

2 - What action caused the creation of the Himalayas?
(a) Plate tectonics
(b) A giant tortoise ploughed into India after an ill-fated freak mutation meant it could fly but not very well.
(c) They're the remains of a dead giant
(d) God made them in 4004 BC

3 - What kind of rock was laid down by the shells of tiny sea creatures in the Cretaceous period, roughly 100 million years ago?
(a) Marble
(b) Limestone
(c) You having a laugh?

Section 3 - MEDICINE

1 - Historically, how would you treat somebody who was suffering from manic depression?
(a) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons
(b) Chain them up and beat them with sticks on a strictly scientific basis
(c) Medication
(d) Pray for them
(e) All of the above
(f) Offer aromatherapy

2 - What would be your first actions if finding someone who had lost a hand in a road crash?
(a) Pray that the hand would be restored
(b) Phone an ambulance, keep them still and laid down, apply pressure in an attempt to restrict blood flow
(c) Offer aromatherapy
(d) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons

3 - How would you treat sufferers from Swine Influenza
(a) Antibiotics
(b) Anti-virals
(c) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons.

4 - What would the best method of dealing with a fever be?
(a) Paracetamol
(b) Cold flannel
(c) A nice warm blanket and hot water bottle
(d) Look, just pass me the sticks, I'll beat them myself.

Bad Science

2009-11-06T08:46:00.001Z

An eventful evening yesterday, I thought.

Most of the controversy prevailed around Young Keith's new firework. In these credit-crunched times, we decided it would be cheaper to make our own from scratch. As Beaker People will be aware, this has involved collecting the crystallised residue around the edges of the cesspit as one of the source ingredients of the gunpowder. So many people were deeply relieved that we had finally reached Bonfire night.
In the light of previous engineering endeavours, it probably wasn't surprising that Keith decided to build his rocket out of wood recycled from pallets. However that did mean that the scale of the thing was quite surprising. You rarely see a firework 27 cubic feet in capacity.

My chief scientific adviser, Albert Heisenberg, declared himself uncertain about whether this was a good idea. In his view, there was far too much explosive dedicated to going out - and not enough intended to send the firework up. In any case, he said, the danger of burning pieces of pallet was good enough reason not to light the thing.

As we carried the firework - rather gingerly, I have to admit - out to the Orchard, Dr Heisenberg turned out to be far more certain - shouting "It's a death trap! You're putting us all in danger!" With this kind of scientific advice, what could I do? Naturally I sacked Dr Heisenberg immediately.

When Young Keith lit the device, it was quite a revelation. Lifting itself off the ground to a height of 2 feet, it then flew wildly round the Orchard. In retrospect, lighting it in the Orchard was a bad move - as it bounced off the trees it resembled a pin-ball. However in what I thought was quite an irony, it is fair to say that although we could tell where it was, and how fast it was going, it was quite tricky to judge both at the same time. Eventually, leaving a pile of Beaker Folk cowering behind the Dairy wall, it flew straight into the Moot House and blew it to pieces. At which all the people went "ooooh!" It was very pretty, I must admit. But we do need a new Moot House now. And a new scientific adviser.

The Moon Gibbon Conspiracy

2009-11-05T21:10:00.011Z

Dear Reader, I have taken the opportunity of the Archdruid's temporary absence to get hold of this wondrous connection to the outside world to share my deep concern. As an accountant I have always been more familiar with the detailed and reliable workings of the Adding Machine - you can count on an Adding Machine. And Eileen likes to keep me away from the Internetory Technology as much as possible, trying to keep me from over-excitement. She doesn't think that accountants should have too much excitement, and do you know, I think she's probably right.

I am keen to share my concerns regarding the Moon Gibbon. The poll we have been running has shown that a sizeable minority of Beaker Folk visitors believe that the Great Gibbon was in fact killed by NASA. I can now confirm that this is indeed true. Consider:

Nobody has seen the Moon Gibbon since last month's moonshot.
The moonshot totally failed to kick up any dust. Evidence that it hit something big and soft.
NASA have published no results since the moonshot. Can we not conclude that this was because the substances they found should not have been there? For example - simian hair and hide? Are the NASA-paid scientists not, as we speak, trying to come up with some rationale - for example that the moonshot accidentally "winged" an earthly gibbon on the way up, due to an unfortunate gibbon climbing across the rocket just before take-off? Or indeed - are they simply falsifying the evidence?
I have written to NASA six times to ask for information. They have repeatedly refused to address my concerns.
My petition on the No 10 website - "That the Prime Minister should explain what has happened to the Moon Gibbon" was repeatedly taken down on the grounds that it was "frivolous".
Young Keith's friend Briony reckons it was NASA and she's got a science A-level.

I think no further evidence is needed. I have a telescope trained on the moon constantly now, in order to see the inevitable rocket that will be sent up so the Moon Gibbon can be buried. However I am concerned. I have a sneaking suspicion that NASA will send it up in the daytime, so I can't see it.

I must away now. We will howl at the moon, knowing that it is now empty. Empty. Empty. And NASA are responsible. Who can bring these hylobatidaecides to justice? I will write to President Obama. He seems a pleasant enough young man, and I am sure he will help. But despite this hope, I am still concerned.

Guy Fawkes

2009-11-05T08:49:00.000Z

On this of all days I am concerned about the treatment, approximately 400 years ago, of the so-called "traitor", Guido "Guy" Fawkes.
It would appear that Guido was brainwashed by a cell of well-off religious fundamentalists into launching a terrorist attack on the English government. Although there is a certain amount of circumstantial evidence (i.e. he was found in the cellars with a load of gunpowder), there is a distinct possibility (i.e. the government admitted it) that Fawkes may have been tortured to obtain his confession.
We are calling on the Government to investigate, and for Gordon Brown to issue an apology immediately.

In other news, we're really looking forward to Bonfire Night. We're using Jedward as twin guys this year.

Rights

2009-11-04T14:14:00.005Z

The Glasgay! Arts Festival seems to have stirred up the kind of fuss it was after. And clearly the people putting on the production of "Jesus - Queen of Heaven" have a right to put it on. But when they say that the banners of the inevitable protesters outside could be viewed as "inciting homophobia", are they themselves guilty of suppressing the legal right of religious groups to express their opinions? Now that it is possible to take your employees to court on the basis of your environmental views, effectively claiming they are religious (and therefore protected).

I myself suffered when Drayton Parslow put on his dramatic performance at the Husborne Crawley Reading Room, "Beaker - the Musical". Drayton claimed that the lead role, Archdruid Ethel, of the Beaker Folk of Leighton Buzzard - a megalomaniac and illegitimate offspring of the Dukes of Norfolk who manipulates other people's spiritual needs for personal gain, was completely fictional. But you had to wonder.

What is one to do?

I suppose growing a thick skin and respecting other people's rights to their own opinions, regardless of how barmy you think they are, would be a start. And recognising that a country that clamps down on artists - no matter whether they are provocative, profound, offensive or fatuous - is not one worth living in - that would help.

But we still broke Drayton's ankles, just to be on the safe side.

Health and Safety

2009-11-04T09:17:00.005Z

This is why Health and Safety Matters. If the driver had been wearing a hi-viz none of this need have happened. More smashed bottles than Bedford on a Friday night. But unlike Bedford, nobody was seriously hurt.

Secular Schism

2009-11-04T01:30:00.007Z

It is with... I was going to say "regret" but that may be overdoing it. It is with a sense of the duty to share information that I have to tell you that the Beaker Secularists are no more. Apparently Gilbert and Rodwell disagreed over whether secularists should wear anoraks or duffel coats. Meanwhile - much to everyone's amazement - Stanley has met a girl and therefore lost all interest in drinking cider-and-black in the Weatherspoon's in Milton Keynes while discussing Nietzsche.

Post Strike

2009-11-03T23:04:00.003Z

Beaker People cannot fail to have noticed that there is a "Post Strike" on. Please be clear what this implies. This does not mean a chance to strike the postman. He's having a hard enough time as it is, what with the Royal Mail doing whatever it is that it's doing to upset him [Hnaef, you're more left wing so you probably care - please fill in with whatever it's all about]. So the last thing he wants is Beaker Folk striking him as he walks up the path.

Someone putting the sign "Beware of the Gibbon" on the gate hasn't exactly calmed him down. He's already a bit nervous since he ignored the "Beware of the Wolf" sign while delivering to our next-door neighbours. Well, they are Woburn Safari Park....

All Soul's Commemoration

2009-11-03T12:45:00.002Z

Well I'm pleased to say that the All Soul's Day Commemoration is finally over.

We thought it would be nice to co-incide with the Full Moon by starting at moonrise, assuming the Occasion would just take the normal half an hour or so, as the name of each Departed Beloved was read and a tea light lit in their honour.

But as I reached the end of the list I was expecting to read, I noticed that somebody - I suspect Young Keith - had stapled a fairly sizeable chunk of the 1891 Census for Islington onto the back.

What was I to do? There's no denying that all the people on that list were among the Departed. Some were probably ancestors of Beaker Folk present. So I just kept going.

Some time around midnight we started to run out of tea lights, but Burton kindly nipped over to Tesco's at Kingston and bought in a couple of pallets.

Just now, as we filed away from the Moot House tired and dizzy from lack of sleep, someone registered a complaint. "Don't you realise?" he asked, "It's not meant to be about Them. It's meant to be about Us."

I must reflect.

A meditation for All Souls' Day

2009-11-02T07:39:00.007Z

And so what do we make of All Souls' Day, in our post-Christendom paradigm? In an environment where the most popular funeral songs, as previously discussed, are such songs as Robbie Williams's "Angels" and Celine Dion's "My Love Must Go on"*

The Roman Catholics use the day to remember the souls that are still in Purgatory, fighting their way to the surface, as it were. But for most of us, in these days we have lost a sense of Purgatory.

And souls.

Now the aim of the Beaker People is to meet people where they are, and allow them to give a name to that place. To help them find their spiritual voice. So if we meet them where they are - where are they?

Firstly, they seem to be rejecting the sharp certainties of atheism. Just as well for us, being a religious community and all that - it would make us totally redundant and even more pointless than we often seem to be already. But whatever else they believe, they don't think Auntie Vera has actually ceased to exist. They seem to have an implicit belief that Auntie Vera is somewhere, even if she is not physically around.

Naturally we'd have to rule out any mention of a resurrection. How are we going to explain that? Especially to a generation that finds the best way to deal with the dead is to convert them to more manageable ashes. And while many people seem to believe in reincarnation in theory, we find they don't really want to go into the details. After all, that would mean considering the possibility that, Uncle Ernest having come back as a chicken, they ate him for tea.

We also find it best not to dwell in any detail on the concept of heaven. It has a nasty habit of reminding people of hell. And we don't want to go there, if you see what I mean. Just allow that a few people - Hitler, Stalin and Mao, for example - are in hell and where would you draw the line? You start drawing lines and suddenly you're talking about judgement and sin and salvation and all kinds of other things we really wouldn't want to get into.

No, the best place to assign the spirits of the dead, on the whole, would appear to be to a kind of insubstantial, almost-heavenly place, where the dearly beloved ones are held in a kind of - if you will forgive the misuse of the word - limbo. A kind of commuter suburb of heaven, really. Based on the vague recollections of other people attending seances or medium shows, most people see this as where the dead live. Our former friends and much-missed family members are probably best imagined sitting in someone's ectoplasmic front room, on a rainy day in the 1970s, just after "The Big Match" has finished, for all eternity. Without even a set of dominoes to relieve the boredom. No wonder the Dead spend all their time, if the mediums are to be believed, worrying about how their budgies are doing, if their niece's bad back is bearing up and whether they switched the gas off before they died.

And so we nod sagely, and encourage people with the assurance that their loved ones are "in God's hands". But we make sure we aren't too specific about what exactly God is doing with those hands.

So on All Souls' Day, the Beaker Folk will light a tea light for all the dead people we want to remember. And we will desperately hope that when we light one for Uncle Ernest, Auntie Gladys won't be too upset, because we didn't light one for her - because if we did that then Cousin Wilf would want one as well. And before you knew it we'd be lighting one for every dead person we'd ever met (before they died, obviously). Because where would you draw the line? Honestly, it would be like writing Christmas cards.

Have a contemplative All Souls' Day. Wherever you are.

*with special thanks to Albatross for his remembrance of "Please Release me", and to David Keen for his (hopefully satirical) suggestion of "Living in a Box". Oh - and to Anonymous and Sally for "Smoke gets in your eyes".

Of Pumpkins and Plagiarism

2009-11-02T00:03:00.005Z

Between the important matters of Stephen Fry's Twittering and the ancient commemoration of All Souls' it would seem foolish to share anything else. But then you find this. http://r-liggins0811-dc.blogspot.com/2009/10/rituals-involving-pumpkins.html Someone has summarised the Beaker Folk Pumpkin Ritual. In years to come new neo-pagan groups will no doubt claim it's a 2000 year old ritual. They will of course be right.... As long as they leave it 2000 years. And they've done it without crediting the site. Young Keith's uncle the Police Constable is looking under "P" for "Plagiarism" even as we speak. I tell you, it's enough to get someone drummed out of the Angular Rusting University Druidic Studies course.

The Feast of Tweediness

2009-11-01T12:05:00.008Z

A Celebration for Stephen Fry's return to Twitter

All Beaker Folk may be equipped with novelty buzzers and, as it may be, unusual headwear, tweedy jackets, butler's outfits or comedy trousers.

Archdruid: Good evening, good evening, good evening, good ee--vening. m'colleage goes...

[Sound of Hnaef striking holy bell]

Archdruid: .. and Burton goes...

[Sound of badly-played bodhran]

Archdruid: ... and Young Keith goes...

[Sound of badly-played accoustic guitar]

Archdruid: ... and Young Keith's uncle the police constable goes...

[Sound of police siren]

Archdruid: Let us confess our sins.

All: @God: We have called Stephen's tweets boring. We have had no interest in what flavour herbal tea he is drinking. We have tweeted those things we ought not to have tweeted. And we have not tweeted those things we ought to have tweeted. And we have exceeded our character count already. Have mercy on us, miserable trolls, and in future make us amusing, pithy, and above all charitable unto thy fluffy and sensitive creatures.

Archdruid: Let me hear you say "Baah"!

All: @Archdruid Baah!

Archdruid: Peace be with you.

All: @Archdruid and also with you.

Archdruid: Let us share the peace.

All: RT Archdruid: Peace be with you.

Archdruid: May your URLS be ever tiny.

All: @Archdruid and may you be retweeted for ever.

Archdruid: Go, and twitter forever.

All: @Archdruid we'll leave that to Stephen.

An Ecumenical Halloween

2009-10-31T07:52:00.007Z

I think we're all set up for our Samhain celebrations. The Wicker Person now looks scarily like Harriet Harman but it's too late to do much about that now. The oven-ready chicken, spare ribs, potatoes, sweet corn, marshmallows etc are all ready to be put in the Wicker Person later. The cider and spices are ready for mulling and we've all got umbrellas at the ready.

In a spirit of ecumenism (for we owe no man or woman ill) we have been sending some cards out. We've sent "You're making it all up as go along" cards to the neo-pagan folk down the road who think that this is the new year. They also tell us that "Samhain" is pronounced "Saw-win" instead of being pronounced "Halloween" so what do they know?

We've sent "Happy All Saints" cards to the local vicars, and "Hope they're all out of Purgatory soon" cards to the local Rabidly Traditional Catholic splinter group, ready for All Souls.

We were also going to send "Hope you stop being so bonkers" cards to various American evangelicals for the claim that, among other things, Witches have prayed over most of the candy sold at Halloween - but remembering that the good people of a Bible college in the Midlands once prayed for the soul of this site's author, we thought let's not - there's little enough decent irony in the world without going around wasting it. Also it could be a giant set-up by militant atheists to make Pat Robertson and his friends look like they're bonkers.... As if they need to.

So now we just have the excitement of wondering whether the Moon Gibbon Folk will join us for tonight's celebrations. They still keep telling us that we're a bunch of heretics and they're only staying for the money, but on the other hand the moon is nearly full now so they're cheering up nicely. And I noticed they had their eyes on our Halloween masks this year. The Nick Griffin one is of course really popular, and I wish Private Eye hadn't got there first, but I like the Ann Widdecombe, Christopher Hitchens and Jordan masks as well. There's gonna be some terrified people down School Lane tonight.

Drinking Alcohol for Swine Flu

2009-10-30T22:29:00.005Z

On the day that the Government's Drugs Adviser was told to sling his hook after he claimed that Ecstasy, LSD and rat poison are all less dangerous than alcohol*, we discover a surprising upsurge in traffic from people from the world over, searching for whether drinking alcohol causes flu, interferes with the vaccine shot, prevents the action of Tamiflu, or - incredible as it may sound - whether drinking whisky, brandy or other ardent spirits are able to cure Swine Flu.

Take the unfortunate Professor Nutt's advice. If it's more dangerous than Skunk, then it's not going to help your swine flu, is it. **

* Not the rat poison. I made that one up. NB - rat poison is even worse than alcohol for swine flu. Don't try this at home.

** But it might cheer you up a bit. But we can't say that.

Expenses Scandal

2009-10-30T06:37:00.003Z

People have been asking why, under pressure from such notorious trouble-makers as Drayton Parslow, we have not adopted a similar policy to the MPs and appointed someone to go through the Druids' expenses for the last few years. The suggestion is that if we find that any members of the Druidic council have over-claimed they should refund the money.

The fact is, it's very difficult to go through these expenses claims. Those for 2004 were inadvertently turned into a papier-mache model of an oak tree during a "Messy Druids" session. 2005's were destroyed during flooding - you may remember that we found somebody had unfortunately dropped hundreds of unsold copies of Victoria Beckham's "Learning to Fly" into the brook, causing an unprecented rise in water levels.

2006's expenses were supposed to be wheeled in the expenses wheelie bin from my study to the Expenses Shed, but unfortunately somebody left them out for the night. It's amazing how similar that bin was to the ones the council collects...

Likewise early in 2008 we discovered that unfortunately somebody had used the expense claims for 2007 to light the Mayday wicker person. And at the very end of that year, the Expenses Shed itself unexpectedly exploded after we needed to use it to store all those butane bottles, firewood and phosphorous. Who'd have thought it?

And today I have to report the remarkable news that a dog got into my study and ate the expenses.

We managed to recover only the claim that was still in the dogs mouth. I have had to enage in some serious document restoration, and resorted to some minor conjectures. But the gist would appear to be that Drayton has put in a claim for a helicopter. Since we have no need for a helicopter, and indeed there is no helicopter around that anyone can find, we have asked Drayton to return the money forthwith or face the full penalty of law.

Some Beaker People have suggested that we should hold expenses on-line in future, and possibly publish them on this website. Definitely an idea we should consider. Paper's all very well, but for real potential for creative amendment there's nothing like a computer.

Human Rights and Waxing Gibbons

2009-10-29T22:24:00.006Z

Now you couldn't get a group of people more interested than the Husborne Crawley Beaker Folk when it comes to human rights. From dawn to dusk we are watching anxiously to ensure that no-one's rights are infringed by anyone else's, no matter how much the rights concerned may appear to conflict. For example, when Bildad's right to play the banjo at 3am clashed with my right to have a good night sleep, we were able to encourage Wilpo's right to smash banjos to resolve the issue.

But today I had a lawyer turned up on the doorstep. She said that by locking Bloodwort and Ludwick up in the Gulfing Room for nine hours, we were interfering with their rights to be bullying, fascist bores and that she would see us in court.

Naturally, I took the opportunity to show her the Gulfing Room so she could see that nothing untoward happens in there. Nine hours later she came out burbling something about butterflies. She was last seen sitting on the lawn, singing "Orinoco Flow" while looking up at the waxing gibbous moon.

On the subject of gibbous moons, we still haven't heard anything from the breakaway Gibbon Moon People. Apparently their negotiations with the Guinea Pig Folk of Stewartby have broken down on the important question of whether they've actually got to keep the rules they're agreeing to, or whether it's all just pretend like being in the Church of England. I get the feeling they're in for a shock.

Swine Flu Latest

2009-10-29T17:12:00.003Z

After the latest swine flu update from the British Government, telling us that there's another 70,000 plus cases arisen in the last week, it's time to put back the precautions we had in early summer.
Accordingly, the "manly handshake of blessing" is once again replaced with the "waving gingerly from behind a perspex screen of blessing". The snog of peace and hug of hunny-bunnyness are definitely still banned. And please avoid sharing Beakers.