As the Government attempts to placate Telegraph columnists and offshore trusts by loosening lockdown, new concerns have been raised for the safety, after restrictions have been released for pubs, of the customers of Wetherspoons.
Analysis at a number of Wetherspoons outlets have revealed that, after unseasonably good weather throughout two months of lockdown, their carpets have dried out. This has not happened since the drought of 1976.
"We're really concerned about our customers when they get back in," said red-faced spokesscarecrow Tom Witherspoon. "It's like when Formula 1 teams are trying to pick the right tyres. In effect, the spongy, damp conditions underfoot have meant that our customers have always had plenty of grip. And all of of sudden, it's like they're going to be on slicks. The carpets are now stiff and unforgiving, it's suddenly like playing on a really dry cricket wicket, and we're worried that our customers, unused to the speeds they can now achieve, are going to smash straight into tables and other customers.
"Worst of all, we're worried that if the crusty top surface the carpets have developed gives way when cornering at speed, our customers could end up sprawled headlong on the floor. And without the usual spongy, damp texture, they might do themselves some real injuries instead of just laying there, complaining about Jean-Claude Juncker."
Wetherspoons have been experimenting during closure with dampening down the carpets with water or a thin Marmite solution. But nothing appears to give the same traction as spilling a trail of Ruddles Best nearing its best-before date repeatedly over the famously individual floor coverings. It is really hard to simulate the same adhesive effects as accidentally knocking Swedish cider on the floor.
"It's a really worrying time for our customers," Mr Witherspoon concluded. "It's already been a weird experience for them. Trapped in a thing called "the outside world" during the hours of daylight, and instead of the Germans they've had to blame the Chinese for things going wrong. It's a strange and scary world for our customers at the moment, and if they have to learn how to walk on normal carpets without the assistance of our familiar "walking on the moon" experience, we may see some serious casualties."
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I understand that Wetherspoons have plans in hand to flatten the curve of beer-based injuries by irrigating the affected areas with a spray solution comprising 10% bitter gall and 90% tears of Rejoiners.
ReplyDeleteThat's odd. As I heard it was a mixture of wishful thinking, magical thinking, wood alcohol and unicorn saliva.
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