Achieving Measurable Spiritual Outcomes

Hnaef's comment about my receiving a bonus has caused a number of Beaker People to question just how exactly the size of my bonus is decided.  Aside from considerations that it was a tactless comment when we're trying to build Community Spirit, in the interests of openness and democracy, I would like to explain my Druidic Bonus Plan.

When the Gorsedd last got together, we agreed that it was right that we should reward creativity and enterprise in spiritual life.  However the Government's regulatory body for imaginary traditional religious communities, OfBard, got involved and it became clear that I couldn't just scoop up all the left-over tithes and stash them in the archdruidical dungaree pockets.  Not in a "Not for (Visible) Profit" association like the Beaker People.

So we agreed that a bonus would only be payable based upon my achieving identifiable Successful Spiritual Outcomes.  These had to be SMART, as the business jargon has it - that is, Specific, Measureable, Achievable, and Really Threatening.  To be honest, I blanked out a bit with near-terminal boredom at this point, and may have recalled that acronym incorrectly.

In any case, my archdruidical bonus is based on a number of measurable achievements.  You can't just get a bonus for "helping people", or "making people feel better" or "being a nice Druid".  Oh no.  Achieving targets in a measurable manner is in.  For the Financial Year 2009, I had to hit pre-defined spiritual achievement targets in the following:

• The number of Beaker Courses delivered.  NB to count as "delivered", at least 3 people had to make it to the end of each course.  Beaker Persons were allowed to attend more than one course, but for the second and subsequent courses were defined as "helpers" and only counted as 50%.  Any course consisting entirely of people who'd been on the course before rated as an "Alpha", and therefore did not count.
• Accredited conversions.
• The number of people achieving a rating of 4 or higher (on a scale of 1-5) on the Spiritual Elevation Scale.
• Average attendance at Pouring out of Beakers ceremonies *
• Number of Pallets of Doilies sold in the Beaker Bazaar.
• Appropriate and timely observances of the rising and setting of new, full and gibbous (not gibbon) moons.
• People entering the Astral Plane (and returning safely.  We can't count Gloria but we hope she may rejoin her body one day. Not least because it's occupying the comfy sofa in the Library.)
• 50% of Beaker People achieving "Sage" or above in the Entrails Examination Examination**.
• Complete live performances of "Shepherd Moons" by our Enya tribute band, Brenda.

OfBard takes the measurement of these SSOs very seriously.  Some days, as you will remember, we could barely move for otherwise-unemployable Zoology graduates following us all around with chipboard***.  But at the end of it all, I rated a very credible 3 Golden Sickles, and was entitled to a bonus of 45% of all the money laying around from tithes.  So I pocketed that, glad to have been adjudged worthy of a measurable, accredited and well-earned bonus.
Then I shoved the rest in my rucksack to be on the safe side.  Measurable Spiritual Outcomes - doncha love them?

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* We negotiated a target reduction due to the unexpected cold weather in mid-winter, when the Beakers froze and we couldn't pour them out - or, indeed, fill them up.  Although Young Keith did get his tongue frozen to one of the Beakers when we dared him to lick it.  Cheered up a cold, dull morning.
** Congratulations to Mobee, who achieved "Taragon".  But I think he may have been mistakenly included in the Children's 1960s TV Shows" course.

*** They should have been clipboards, but you know what Zoologists are like.  You can persuade them of anything.  And they paid quite well for those sheets of chipboard, as well****.
**** On an unrelated matter, anyone want to buy a job lot of surplus clipboards we seem to have acquired?  Going cheap in the Beaker Bazaar.