On the Cessation of Jiggling

I realise I have been quiet of late. Not that quietness is a sin - indeed, it can be golden, especially when allied to a rueful contemplation of one's most recent iniquities. But on this occasion I have allowed the flow of neo-pagan drivel from the soi-disant "Archdruid", Eileen to be uninterrupted because I have been involved in the important question of women's clothing.

It was a couple of weeks ago, at Sabbath morning devotions, that I noticed an unusual movement in the general area of Kayleigh's T-shirt. We were singing a most enlivening and spiritually war-mongering hymn, and there was a certain amount of physical movement in the congregation. And this was most noticeable, as I say, with young Kayleigh. Let us mince no words - there was jiggling going on. A word I hesitate to use, as it occurs nowhere in Holy Writ. And that, I would conclude, is because in Biblical times, women wore demure, womanly, godly clothing - clothing that would not excite or inflame the male libido. Except, of course, in the matter of the Moabite women, who would no doubt jiggle at a moment's notice. But their libidinous ways are condemned in such a way that there is no need for such detail. Whereas I encountered jiggling within those in my own spiritual care - and as such I must take action.

My first thought, I will admit, was to wonder why it was only Kayleigh that was involved in this unnatural activity - is Kylie not among the jigglers, I wondered? But Kylie is more slightly built, and although I watched her for a few minutes there were no extraneous movements going on. I did notice, however, that there was a certain amount of jiggling going on among the younger adult female worshippers - and I decided that it was the slight improvement in the temperature this last couple of weeks that had coaxed some of them out of wearing multiple layers of clothing, and led to this outbreak - nay plague - of jigggling.

And as I mused like this, Marjory jabbed me sharply in the ribs, and asked whether I was planning to stop looking at the chests of the women in the church, and preach the sermon. Which I did. But I realised action needed to be taken. And so, for the protection of the souls of the men in Bogwulf Baptist Church, I have decided to issue the following dress restrictions for women:

1. A strict no-jiggling policy is to be adopted, by the use if required of stronger elastic and - if necessary - additional undergarments to provide additional damping.
2. Women within Bogwulf Baptist Chapel to wear clothing that covers up to the neck. Ideally in a godly stout woollen material.
3. No mid-riffs to be shown. Especially if the navel is pierced.
4. Although there is no excuse for a pierced navel.
5. No tight trousers.
6. Skirt and dress hemlines to be between the knee and the floor - or, ideally, slightly longer.

But dress restrictions are alone are probably not enough. To guard against men being led astray by a female body being excited in - admittedly godly and probably blameless - worship, I would add the following movement restrictions:

1. No swinging of hips during songs.
2. Women who are carried up by the spiritual uplifting of a song may move one foot up to three inches laterally, and then back. But only on the first and third beats of the bar. Not second and fourth. We know who thrives on the offbeat.
3. When raising hands in worship do so reverently, slowly, and assuring that sleeves remain in place.
4. Nodding your head in time to the music is acceptable. Swinging your head so your long hair swishes across your face and shoulders in the way that Kylie did last week, is not.

I hope, if the women of the congregation can follow these simple, Biblical rules, that I may be able to sleep at night again. I mean, that the men of the congregation will be protected from unnatural concupiscence.