Tuesday, 2 January 2018

Liturgy of People Back After the First Commute of the Year

Archdruid: Peace be with you.

Commuters: Sorry, you what?

Archdruid: Peace. You know. With you.

Commuters: Oh. Yeah.

Archdruid: The day is done and the night lies dark before us. Let us....

Commuters: Zzzzzzzzzzz

Archdruid: OI!

Commuters: What? What?

Archdruid: Stop falling asleep.

Commuters: Weren't asleep. Just...

Archdruid: Let us confess our...

Commuters: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Archdruid: OI!!!

Commuters: What? 

Archdruid: OK. I'll cut it short. Let us now take an offering.

Commuters: You must be joking. You seen the price of a season ticket?

Monday, 1 January 2018

15 New Year Forecasts for Religion in 2018


As it is traditional at this time, O Theophili, people make predictions for the New Year. And so why not? In case you're wondering, yes I have made these predictions by assuming this year will be just like last. And, assuming the Express or Star ain't right with their own prediction (see number 13), I reckon I'm pretty safe.
  1. Some Traditionalist Catholics won't like the Pope doing something. Or not doing something. Or something. Whatever. They won't like it.
  2. The appointment of a Church of England bishop to a diocese will definitely be the final straw that breaks the back of something or other, while reopening whichever wounds are appropriate.
  3. Republican politicians in the United States will send "thoughts and prayers" repeatedly to the victims of gun attacks, while doing absolutely nothing about the way they keep happening. This will not prove that prayers do not work, but that God expects us to work in line with our prayers, not the sources of our funding.
  4. Much will be made of the way that which Royal Wedding it is this year will be presided over by a member of a Church. Some will say it shows the C of E can do things properly. Some will say it shows that we are still not secular enough. Pastafarians will put colanders on their heads and wish they knew how to meet women.
  5. The various split-off churches from the Church of England will do a quick count and realise they have more bishops and clergy than laity.
  6. Someone on Twitter will initially claim that every car that hits a pedestrian was driven by a Muslim. Being proven wrong will make no difference next time it happens.
  7. Churches will be accused of being intolerant of, too tolerant of, and ignoring, LGBTI people (please delete as applicable)
  8. Christians in the Middle East and elsewhere will be martyred. Nobody will do anything about it. Because nobody that matters, cares.
  9. Evangelicals in the United States will run a competition for a new word that means "believing in the primacy of Gospel and a born-again experience, but not being naive enough to think that the President is really on the side of good." 
  10. A vicar will get the sack for getting married.
  11. Some men who have left the Church of England will continue to harp on about the Church of England, like divorcees who said they wanted their freedom but then just can't let it go.
  12. A comedian will confuse saying stupid things about religion with being right-on and funny.
  13. The Express or the Star will publish the belief of some wally that the world will end, and wonder why the Archbishop of Canterbury hasn't commented yet. Just after the world doesn't end, the wally will explain the flaw in his (it will be "his") calculations
  14. In his bedroom in his parent's house, a 45-year-old atheist will hear the word "sheeple" for the first time and think it's fantastically witty. Then use it for the rest of his (it will be "his") life.
  15. Something vaguely egalitarian decision by a continental Lutheran Church will be blown up into a claim that they think God is gender-fluid like a clownfish.




Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Writes of the Church : Letters to the Church Magazine

New year and surely everything has changed in the Trim Valley.

Sunday, 31 December 2017

Beaker Blog Review of the Year

Time, like an ever-rolling stream, bears all its blogs away. But here, at the end of the year, a brief review of the most popular and oddest of the Beaker Year. Burton has crunched the numbers, pivoted the tables, and drunk far too much coffee, and here are the results.

Most popular page / post

The most popular page anyone visits, fifteen times more so than anything else, is the Home Page.  This is reassuring, as it tells me that many people come to see us frequently just to see what's going on - neither waiting for Facebook nor Twitter. Thou good and faithful Beaker People, have a happy new year!  The third most popular is like unto it: the "Folk" page, which tells you who everybody is.  I really should update it some time. Outside of those two, the actual blog posts that made the top 20 this year are as follows. You will note that three of them are from previous years although "Through the Bible with Nigel Farage" was more like one of those Christmas hits that don't go away until March.

  1. If Clergy Ads Told the Full Story 
  2. Those Newer Versions of Hymn Books 
  3. Church Strapline Generator
  4.  Liturgy of Not Passing on Social Media Scares
  5. Contemporary Christianity Exam (2012)
  6. Failed Church Advertising Slogans
  7. Church of England's Tribes Redefined
  8. School for Snowflakes 
  9. The Trump Samaritan
  10. Anglican BAPs: Those 50 Tricky Secret Questions (2014)
  11. The Milton Keynes Statement
  12. Through the Bible with Nigel Farage (2016)
  13. Thought for the Day with John Humphreys
  14. Hymns  (Part of the "New Churchgoer" series from June
  15. Trouble with Trebles
  16. Only Purely Biblical Carols
  17. That Was the Church That Wasn't
  18. The Busiest Priest in Christendom
  19. The Church of England's Prayer for Today
  20. The Seven Deadly Sins of Church Committees

The thing that strikes the eye is that these are all generic church posts, tending to the Anglican / Methodist. The everyday life of the Beaker Folk, with exploding worship buildings, rebellions and general idiot-related noise, just goes on in the background. Which is maybe as it should be.  This pattern hasn't changed down this blog's decade or more. 

Traffic Sources

The traffic sources, however, are the most telling sign of the times. Once upon a time, the major sources of blog traffic were other blogs - and then Twitter. Today, through a general decline in blogs speaking peace unto blogs and the Beaker Facebook page, this has changed quite a lot: 

The blogs I suspect speak to one main thing - the power of sidebars. Because those with asterisks have been quiescent for at least six months, yet keep driving traffic. Apart from that, if I tell you that the first on the list drives four times as much traffic as Twitter, and at least seven times as much as the first blog (which is Thinking Anglicans, which is more of an aggregator of links than a blog in the old sense) - that gives you an idea of the sheer power of the Behemoth that is Facebook.  Put simply, it seems to me, if you want your blog to be read you need an active and growing Facebook community around it. This has weird effects - most notably moving comments from the Blog to the Facebook page.

Apart from that, I'm struck by the ecumenical nature of the blogosphere that still exists. Many of the blogs that link to this little corner of cyberspace are written by traditionalist Catholics. Many are written by Anglican women - one or two even by baptists. To you all, and all the other readers of these witterings, the Beaker Folk wish a Happy and Blessed New Year. May your tea lights never burn lop sided, and your pebbles always be thoughtful.




Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Liturgy for the First Sunday after Christmas

Visiting Lay Preacher: The Lord be with you

Visiting Ocarinist: And also with you.

VLP: Where's the organist?

VO: Having a rest after Christmas. Where's the normal minister?

VLP: Having a rest after Christmas. Where's the normal replacement organist?

VO: Playing at all the other churches. Where's this church's Lay Preacher?

Nope, no choir either

VLP: Having a rest after Christmas. Where's the Wardens?

VO: Gone away to see their kids. Where's the other Lay Preacher they get in on the week after Easter?

VLP: Lanzarote. Shall we kick off the hymns?

VO: What have you picked?

VLP: Once in Royal?

VO: Too tricky.

VLP: O Come All Ye Faithful?

VO: Bit Christmassy?

VLP: We Three Kings?

VO: Too long. It brings on my panic attacks.

VLP: What can you actually play?

VO: Abba Father.

VLP: OK, let's go for it...

VO: Where's the congregation?

Ghosts: Having a rest after Christmas.

VLP:  Shall I skip the sermon?

VO: Please.

VLP: OK.  Let's go home.  Happy New Year.

VO: And also with you.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Saturday, 30 December 2017

An Heir and a Spare

All this Nativity stuff and we're awaiting the second grand-druid in a couple of weeks. I dunno. My young lad having two kids. We may have to stop calling Keith "Young Keith". I mean, he's 30 now.

On the Last "Loose Canon" Column in the Guardian

What now for Islington's liberals to read
As they visit their local barista?
The only Christian Brexit Leftist
Is now a former Guardianista.

And we, who read his text
His well-intentioned liberal fog
His Corbynite Christianity
Will have to find a different blog.

Those keyboard warriors bold
who rarely leave their hole
trudge slowly across the Internet
to find another BTL to troll.

And so he goes, our knight so bold
Who tried to be a Christian friend
to godless, vacant, self-regarding souls
He didn't do so badly, in the end.

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs)



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Friday, 29 December 2017

50 Uses for Removed Pews

  1. Sentry box for the vicar to stand and see if anyone's coming to the service
  2. Pub furniture
  3. Log cabin
  4. Doors
  5. Full-size replica of the Marie Celeste
  6. Skirting boards
  7. A kids' castle in the garden
    Church missing roof (and furniture)
    "Bad news, vicar. It's not just the pews they took out"
  8. Victorian rabbit hutch for a Victorian rabbit
  9. Raised vegetables beds 
  10. Fuel for a wood burning stove (unless varnished - very bad for the environment)
  11. Mulch
  12. Filing cupboards for old PCC minutes
  13. Gothic trellises
  14. Replica Gutenberg Printing Press
  15. Big mysterious boxes as a public art installation 
  16. Temporary cover for holes in the roof
  17. Pitch pine flooring
  18. Pulpit
  19. Building material for the church's pet wasps
  20. Shelving
  21. Cricket sight screen
  22. Add wheels and make a go kart
  23. Grinling Gibbons-themed cat scratchers
  24. The sauna that mysteriously appeared in the vicarage garden 
  25. Bat boxes - to be put anywhere but inside the church
  26. Painting icons on
  27. Really really posh pallets
  28. Box for very short readers to stand on
  29. Tree house
  30. Skateboard ramp
  31. Frames for big pictures
  32. Eastenders actor
  33. Obstacles in the Church Over 60s Assault Course
  34. Rot-proof sledge
  35. Giant bats for playing geese-ball (except in countries with any kind of animal cruelty laws)
  36. Trojan Horse 
  37. Bookshelves
  38. Plank to make the vicar walk into the village duck pond if the sermon fails to entertain
  39. Coffin for the person over whose dead body they were removed
  40. Wood panelling in one of them really old-fashioned looking studies or meetings rooms
  41. Seesaws
  42. Rustic planters
  43. Windmill
  44. Museum exhibit of what pews look like
  45. Television cabinet
  46. Dog kennel
  47. Swansea City back 4
  48. Norwegian-style "stave church"
  49. Garden shed
  50. Pews in another church where they're removing the chairs.
(Thanks to Phil Ritchie for passing on the info that Chelmsford Diocese have a 51st use)


Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Holy Innocents

Kind of pulled our celebration of extended Yule up a bit short, remembering tomorrow's saints' day.

The verses of the story of Jesus' birth voted "Most Likely to be kept out of the Nativity Play". And most likely to lead to accusations of God's capricious nature and, somewhat illogically, non-existence.

This is what happens throughout the Bible. This is what happens throughout history. The Egyptians want the Jewish babies dead. Moses gets away with it. The Hebrews destroy Jericho. But Rahab and her family are assimilated into the Hebrews; into the story of salvation. The Assyrians wipe out 11 tribes. But the Jews, and those who live with them, remain. The Babylonians destroy Jerusalem and Judah.  But a remnant returns. And Jesus re-enacts the stories of both Moses and their nation, as his family slips away.

Like those who evaded ISIS, like the Jews fleeing Hitler, like slaves on the Underground Railroad, the salvation of some is seen in the context of the suffering of so many. And the cry goes up, again and again, "How long, O Lord?"

The Holy Innocents - who never knew to choose right from wrong, who never grew to follow or reject the One who slipped away - were adopted as the earliest, youngest saints of the faith that followed him. Reflection that they suffered for Christ.

The story is not mentioned by Josephus, not mentioned outside one Gospel and the pseudo-Gospel that followed it. But that doesn't mean it didn't exist. Because in the sheer routineness of Herod's evil, one minor outrage in one little town wouldn't make much news. And five or so miles away, thirty or so years later, the death of one wannabe prophet on a cross didn't cause too much of a fuss. At the time.

So the Holy Innocents stand as a reminder of the human capacity for evil. Of the normality of viciousness, in world that has free will. Of the danger of power unchecked, and the irrational fears that power brings with it.

And that God sees it all. The Holy Innocents are remembered today as the tiniest martyrs. As the Church makes its faith in God clear - God sees one sparrow fall to earth, has compassion on all that is made. And will not forget the innocents that suffer, or who caused that suffering.

Monday, 25 December 2017

A Female Doctor: Everything Has Changed

And so one more bastion has fallen. There have been women as Prime Minister, bishops in the Church of England (even if they have not been to a proper theological college) and now Doctor Who. It seems only leader of the Labour Party is left unfeminised.

But what difference does it make having a woman play The Doctor? We have the answers:

We know The Doctor has two hearts, but what difference will one with two "X" chromosomes make?

Absolutely none. The Doctor is a bloody alien. Do you actually know what it is in the Doctor's make up that makes him male? Maybe only River knows. And she ain't singing.

Will the Doctor be viewed differently as a woman?

Yeah. When the Daleks are next planning to conquer the universe, Jodie Whittaker's marginally -improved abilities to ask directions when winding up on the wrong planet are gonna make them think twice. Her being slightly worse at arm-wrestling than Matt Smith is not going to bother aliens capable of making planets cease to exist simply by their power of thought.

Will any future Doctors be real Doctors?

No. The presence of one Doctor in the timeline who knows how to describe a colour that's not quite red,  more of a cerise, has ruined the credentials of the lot. Any Doctor regenerating from Jodie Whittaker is going to be incurably infected with cooties. Some people have declared the only True Doctor now has arisen from the regeneration of Pope Pius XII. This medevacantism recognises two divergent timestreams, in accordance with the concept of a "Pooliverse" as first expounded by the Perishers. Or something.

Won't her Tardis-Driving be worse now she's a woman?

Did the Doctor bring you back from the Pleistocene?

When the Doctor is involved in sexual tension with much-younger companions, isn't that going to be worrying?

Dunno. Has it worried you up to now?



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Beaker Christmas

So the Crib Service is over for another year.

An improvement on past years. There was no argument over why we had Six Wise People. Only four children overheated from excitement. And anybody complaining that Jesus wasn't really born in a "draughty stable with an open door" had the fire hose turned on them.

I'll be honest, there may have been too many LED Xmas lights. I mean, the service was at 4pm, but it's taken till now to be able to see well enough to actually write this post.

So now we settle in for the wait till midnight, when the Beaker Waits, led by our Beaker Ocarina Quire, will do the rounds of the community. To be greeted with the traditional hail of potato and sprout peelings. I believe some folk have laid in supplies of walnuts and catapults this year. So there may be a few lacerations.

The smell of cooking turkey hovers over the Great House, and we've the Fairytale of New York on a loop for the next 48 hours. And, though there are people less fortunate than ourselves, I only mention them to make myself feel more virtuous than everyone else. All the money's gone on the new telly.

Behind all of this, at a time liturgically 2016 years ago, a young woman is giving birth to her firstborn child. A tiny event, within a tiny family. But one that reverberates to the end of the world. Nothing is the same anymore.

Happy Christmas.