The National Fence

I feel we should bring to wider attention a goverment strategy that we discovered almost by chance while on the Beaker Annual Pilgrimage to Skegness.

The attached photograph is of the first length of what is to become a National Fence. An initiative that was hidden in the depths of the latest Criminal Justice Bill, it is designed ultimately to fence off the entire British coastline.

This 800-yard stretch is just a pilot. By the end of 2010 it will stretch around the whole British mainland, keeping us from the coast except at designated gates.

The fence apparently has two purposes. It is partly to prevent the ingress of illegal immigrants. But apparently its primary use is as a Health and Safety measure. By preventing unsupervised access to beaches and cliffs, the Government believes it can meet its target of reducing drownings and people falling from great heights by at least 80% by 2012.

I was concerned that we may never again be able to walk the beaches, or splash in the refreshing chill of a terrifyingly cold sea. However the man who told me of the purpose for the fence also informed me that we will be allowed out through gates at "safe" points, provided we wear the appropriate green wristbands and do not get out of view of the "gate".

There have of course been complaints about this fence already. The Scottish Nationalists have said they will not accept a Westminster-imposed fence, and have demanded that instead it turn left at Newcastle and run parallel to Hadrian's Wall. The Welsh didn't seem to care so much. The Conservatives have pointed out that the fence's anti-immigration function will be counter-productive, due to the number of Polish construction workers that will be required to finish it. And the Greens have pointed out that the carbon emissions requried to produce this fence would power a small country for a year.

But enough of that. If this country is to stand for anything, it must stand for the right to roam... the right to walks along cliffs unprotected by the nannny state... for the choice to wear cagoules in hideous colours while passing out from over-exertion on the South West Coastal Path. For FREEDOM! A Beaker Curse upon the National Fence!