Swine Flu Policy

In view of the nationwide hysteria and apprehension, I thought it was best to publish this Swine Flu Policy.

1. In the event that you start to feel a bit unwell, take to your room and stay there. Text the office helpline to inform us that you believe you may be a danger to yourself and others. Hnaef will come round, lock the door, and push pitta breads, cream crackers and other flat foods under the crack in the door. For hygiene reasons these will no be on plates. The water in your rooms is almost certainly suitable for drinking, but then let's face it even if it's not it's the least of your worries. We will be charging a flat-rate room-service fee of £10 per day excluding food.

2. If the case is genuine, and the doctor prescribes Tamiflu, we'll push them under the door as well.

3. Anyone faking flu to get out of doily duty will be eligible for double doily duty when they're back.

4. Exchanging kisses of peace, hugs, excessive handshaking and holding hands during blessings are all banned for the interim. The "interim" may be defined as considerably longer than the pandemic lasts, just to be on the safe size. This may curtail certain of the Fertility Folk's activities, so they're let off. They spend most of their time outside anyway so they're probably least likely to catch it.

5. Anyone sneezes on me, I'll smash their face in. Actually, on second thoughts, I'll get Young Keith to. He's probably more resistant.

6. Anyone claiming that Swine Flu is the wrath of God/gods/unspecified divine beings/Being are nutters. Treat them accordingly.

7. Sharing of the Beakers is out. Terracotta does not kill the virus, whatever you may have heard.

8. Anyone going around smugly telling everyone else how they "got it in '55 so looks like I'm OK" should shut up. Even if you don't catch flu, you're old.