The Beaker Bible

Now that the world's not ending after all, and it's worth carrying on with the process, I'm excited to announce the work-in-progress that is the "Beaker Bible".

We here at the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley have always been dedicated to the pursuit of inter-faith dialogue.  But at the same time we have suffered from the tendency of the Bible, a noteworthy and uplifting book in many ways, to descend into genocide, rough justice and religious exclusivity at the least expected moments.  We are therefore busily engaged in getting the Bible up-to-date, in the way that God would appreciate now (s)he has had another couple of thousand years' experience of how the world works.

Highlights include:

Genesis

After the unfortunate "flashing" incident, Ham is given counselling, while Noah has to sign the sex offenders register.

When asked to sacrifice Isaac, Abraham responds "No way, Guv.  You're right out of order."  And having agreed that an alternative animal sacrifice is out, they roast a butternut squash.

Lot is taken into custody by Gomorrah social services, while his daughters are given council houses.

Numbers

Returning from the Promised Land bearing a cluster of grapes (for which they have paid a fair-trade price), Caleb and Joshua persuade Moses that the best way forward is some kind of two-state solution.

Esther

Having seen the error of his ways, Haman returns to the Government as Home Secretary.

Matthew

It is made explicitly clear that the so-called "Three Kings" were in fact "An unspecified number of Wise Persons, of varied ethnicity, gender and sexuality". 

Matthew remains a tax collector - a responsible job and vital to society, without which no redistributive economic policy could ever work.

Mark

Instead of being healed, Legion is awarded a grant to start a career in street theatre.  The pigs are left to graze safely.

Luke

The Shrewd Manager gets 5 years for fraud, while the Servant who buried his talent is praised for resisting the temptations of the bonus culture.

John

14:6 - "No-one comes to the Father except through me, or certain acceptable alternatives"

Revelation

War in Heaven ceases after the Dragon signs an Antisocial Behaviour Agreement.

Everybody gets into the City at the end, after the camp for "the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars" gets knocked down by the Immigration department.  They are granted asylum on the grounds that if they are deported they will be thrown into a lake of burning sulphur.