A festival of Gravity and other Newtonian matters.

The approach

Beaker Folk stand outside the door to St Bogwulf's Chapel for the Archdruid's introductory statement.  Within the chapel stands the Core, a large comedy bean-bag of apple-core shape.  Available from the Comedy Bean Bags R Us franchise in the Beaker Store.


Archdruid:  We come together to celebrate the 367th birthday of Isaac Newton. Or not. Because according to the Old Calendar, under which he was born, he was born on Christmas Day...


All:   Can you run that past us again?  Only we missed it first time.  How did that happen?


Beaker Folk wind their way to the Core through a Labyrinth of Apples.  An apple is placed on the Core.

They sing the Processional Hymn, "I can't stand up for falling down"

Archdruid: Behold the wonders of the 1st law of motion!

The apple on the Core doesn't move.  For ages.

Archdruid: Behold the wonders of the 2nd law of motion!

An apple flies in through the door of St Bogwulf's Chapel, hitting Marstone Mortaine in the ear.


Marston: Oi!

Archdruid: Behold the wonders of the 3rd law of motion!


She throws the Core at Randor, who is knocked to the ground.  The Beaker Folk break into a round of applause.

Archdruid:  Behold the wonders of Gravity!

Beaker People who were hiding behind the curtains appear, and jump down to the ground.  Only a few are injured.

Archdruid:  And now, let us gaze in awe and wonder at the r-squared law.

The OHP is used to project a number of images of graphs, and spheres at different distances with arrows pointing in random direction.

All:  Hang on!  That's a graph!  That's real science!

Archdruid: And It's all based on real Mathematical Principles, you know...

All: Head full!  Head full!  Too much science!


Archdruid: And now behold where it all falls down!

Young Keith's latest invention, the Large Granny Smith Collider, is wheeled through the doors and shoots an apple at relativistic speeds towards the Archdruid.  The Beaker Folk worry that the Archdruid may be about to meet her end as the super-massive apple, mysteriously much longer than when at rest, heads towards her.  (They don't worry very long, as it's travelling at relativistic speeds...).  At the last pico-second, it collides with a Higgs Boson.  The two merge into a very small black hole, which rolls away into the corner of the chapel.

All: Ooh! Newton never thought of that, did he!

Archdruid: Loser... And he never got Quantum Theory, either.

 The Beaker Folk share the Apple Pies and Apple Juice, glad to have put a real genius in his place.