I predict 2010

And a happy 2010.  With the aid of a couple of glasses of Old Archdruid's Special Mead and a lavender-scented tea light, I am happy to share with you my predictions for the coming year.

January - It snows.  People in Milton Keynes, Luton and Northampton have trouble getting to work, and the Government promises urgent action on the issue of "a couple of inches of snow and the country grinds to a halt".  Gordon Brown calls a snap election for March, to save me having to make five predictions for May.

February - More snow making it difficult for people in Ongar, Cardiff and Yeovil to get to work.  Except vicars who are able to commute to the nearest church, at least.  Government task force into the "couple of inches of snow" issue promises to report back in September.  Government refers to the ongoing snow problems as evidence of Gordon Brown's success at Copenhagen.  Fifty Anglican priests head to Rome.  The Telegraph refers to it as a "flood".  The Star ignores the story completely, concentrating on 19-year-old Sabrina from Haverhill.

March - Spring brings with it less snow and everyone gets to work.  Government praises the snow task force for making spring happen.  New Labour hopes of a bounce-back in the polls thanks to less snow are foiled by a new report showing the UK is going to come out of recession behind Tuvalu, Easter Island and even Portsmouth FC.

April - Very little snow-related travel trouble.  David Cameron, having been elected PM, appoints all members of Brasenose College, Oxford to well-paid, but not overworked, positions of authority on the grounds that many of them will be posh.  Archdruid Eileen gets the key "pebbles and tea lights" portfolio.  The Labour Party, now led by Alan Johnson as a "caretaker", opposes the appointment of the Archdruid on the grounds that "this is clearly just wishful thinking".

May - In an unlikely turn of events, Liverpool do the Premier League, FA Cup and Europa Cup treble.  Alex Ferguson gets so annoyed that he reveals his true nature.  He really is a beetroot wearing a toupee.  Meanwhile Rafa Benitez can now afford to admit - "I'm actually a King Penguin.  I stuck the goatee on."
Rushden & Diamonds beat Luton in the Conference play-off final.  Laughing can be heard in Bedford, Wellingborough and Watford.  Especially Watford.  The Labour Party, now led by Jack Straw, claim this is all just wishful thinking.  They're almost certainly right.

June - The first heatwave of the year is hailed as a sign that global warming has really kicked in.  The other 29 days of the month are ignored for these purposes.  England progress well through the World Cup heats, prompting headlines such as "This Could be the Year", "54 Years of Innumeracy" and "Fabio-lous".

July - An average month of average rainfall causes headlines in the Mail such as "Global Warming - now the meltdown begins".  Global warming is forecast to cause falling house prices, more environmental immigrants and an outbreak of extra-dangerous swine flu.  The National Secular Society blames it on the Catholic Apostolic Church - the only denomination with less members than the NSS themselves.  England go out on penalties.  The NSS claims this is because some of the England team went to faith schools.

August - Extensive research reveals that the Great British Beer Festival is frequented by overweight blokes who drink too much beer.  The Labour Party, now led, in an unexpected turn of events, by Margaret Thatcher, demand that beer be banned - or at least heavily taxed.  When confronted by the evidence, 97% of people at the Festival shrug their shoulders and go to get another beer.

September - Leaves on some species of tree are falling off.  The Labour Party, now led by Hazel Blears, claim it is due to  global warming and demand they are re-instated in power so they can bring in emergency taxes.

October - Fox hunting is legalised.  Making no difference whatsoever.  The Labour Party, now led by Alex Ferguson, demand the re-introduction of the ban, on the grounds that it will make no difference whatsover.  Foxes continue to die - mostly run over by vegetarian environmentalists driving 4x4s.

November - The Conservative government are still trying to think of a policy.  They come up with banning Christmas bling, to save the environment.  Leaves have now fallen off all deciduous trees.  The Labour party, now improving because it's actually led by a real (school) caretaker rather than a Labour politician. blames 9 months of Tory government.

December - Christmas will happen on the 25th.  It won't snow, although tantalisingly it will snow in the week before.  Causing the country to grind to a halt.  The Labour Party, led by a S. Claus, blames the Conservative Government.  Simon Cowell's latest puppets make #1.  Hundreds of bloggers make amusing predictions for 2011.  No-one can remember Jedward.