It won't be Cricket

More concern over American goings-on.

This time at the thought of them trying their hands at cricket.

To be fair, after decades of American Mormons (sic) coming over here trying and failing to evangelise us it's about time we introduced them to our religion. But let's consider:

• The classic version of the game is Test Match cricket. A 5-day sporting event at the end of which there may well not be a winner. 
• A typical county attendance is four old geezers with blankets on their knees. 
• The umpires don't get to throw hankies on the pitch at every opportunity. 
• Instead of blokes with exciting names like Travis Perkins or Chad Ochocinco, a typical cricketer is called something like Ryan Sidebottom.
• The average cricket cheerleader would probably be an 83-year-old bloke.
• If Blowers started shouting around like an American wrestling commentator, he'd probably have a seizure. And in any case, everyone would wonder what the fuss was about.
• The Americans have no concept of the traditions to do with cake, red buses passing the ground, or commentating for twenty minutes on the activities of pigeons in the outfield.

 So I suggest the following changes to make the game more interesting and Yank-relevant:

• All that boring grass could be replaced with astroturf, and used as prime space for advertising.  
• Even with advertising, there's far too much outfield. And the concept of an "oval" is so complex. In order to make the scores higher, and to save the need for new stadia, play the game on a pitch the size of an American Football pitch and ban singles.
• Everyone - not just the batsmen and fielders in "silly" positions - to wear helmets and shoulder pads. And baseball catching mitts.
• Umpires to wear giant foam hands so they can be seen better on the outfield.
• Wicket Keepers to wear those chest protectors you see in Ice Hockey, as more valuable advertising space.
• It's very exciting for an English spectator when a fast bowler knocks a stump out of the ground - but imagine the excitement of Monty Panesar taking a wicket if the stumps were wired to a series of rockets positioned in the sight-screen.
• Batsmen's pads to be banned to reduce the chance of those boring LBW appeals. In fact the whole concept of LBW - complex, tedious and unncessary - could be removed if the options were hit the ball with the bat, or get very hurt.
• Even 20-20 is a bit long for Americans. So play 10 overs aside, and reduce the players to 9 per team.
• All games to be played at night, with fluorescent strips and a glowing ball.
• Hurdles at either side of the wicket, which batsmen must jump when running (2s and up).

Who knows, with these changes the game could soon be our most popular cultural export since Robbie Williams!