"Excuse me: Mr Simon of Jonas, Zebedee and sons?"
"Yes, Mr Roman Empire Fisheries Inspector."
"Would you like to account for that miraculous haul of fish?"
"Well, it just happened."
"It just happened?"
"We just shoved our nets over, and there they all were."
"And those boats were weighed down far beyond the safe loading line. You're not taking Health and Safety very seriously at all, are you? I mean - where's your hi-viz?"
"Our what?"
"And are you aware that you've exceeded your quota? We've boatloads of Spanish fisherman lined up along the coast at Tyre just ready to hoover up these fish, as soon as they've worked out how to get into the Sea of Galilee."
"Quota? It's just what we caught."
"And you've caught the wrong species, as well. Sardines - yes, fine. But Barbels?"
"Look, they're just what swam into the net."
"You could've thrown some back. Why did you go out when you were supposed to be laid up, anyway?"
"Well, some bloke just told us we had to catch them."
"'Some bloke?' If 'some bloke' told you to jump out of the boat and walk across the lake, you'd do that as well, would you?"
"Well, now you come to mention it..."
[Cuts forward 35 years]
"Excuse me: Mr Simon Peter of Peter, Paul and Disciples?"
"Yes, Mr Roman Empire New Religions Inspector."
"Would you like to account for that miraculous haul of people?"
"Well, it just happened."
"It just happened?"
"We just went round telling people that Jesus was the Living God, and there they all were."
"And those churches were over-full, way beyond the legal number of people for halls those sizes. You're not taking Health and Safety very seriously at all, are you? I mean - where's your hi-viz?"
"What do you think we are - Beaker People?"
"And are you aware that you've exceeded your quota? We've boatloads of evangelists for Mithraism lined up along the coast at Ostia just ready to hoover up these converts, as soon as they've worked out how to give them eternal life."
"Quota? It's just what we caught."
"And you've caught the wrong races as well. Jews - yes, fine. But Samaritans? Greeks? Romans?"
"Look, they're just what came into the church."
"You could've thrown some back."
"Well, Jesus just told us we had to catch them."
"Jesus? If Jesus told you to get yourself nailed to a cross, you'd do that as well, would you?"
"Well, now you come to mention it..."
(Luke 5)
Just to put the story into context, they would also have fallen foul of the elf and safety inspectors or militant union members.
ReplyDeleteThe haul of fish was so great, that the boats were overloaded and in danger of sinking?
"Can't ave that can we", Shop Stewards (or Jewish Equivalents) would have been up in arms and straight on the runner to the Roman Elf and Safety people.
Of course, there would have also been a show of hands for an immediate strike, until the fish stopped swimming into the nets to overload them.
Having referred the dispute to the Roman equivalent of ACAS, an agreement requiring concessions from both sides would have been forged between the Fisherman's Union and the Fish to ensure that only a 10% increase in fish swimming into nets would be acceptable.