OK - so we've given up any pretence of a preference for the poor, and we know that God doesn't like the rich. We now realise that only the Middle Class are truly godly. So we are happy to share this order for Middle Class Devotion.
Opening Hymn: When I needed a cleaner were you there, were you there?
Prayers of confession
In a suitably smug attitude of humility, knowing that we are really better than we're pretending.
All: We have wandered from the true path like a Rav 4 going off-road. We humbly confess that we have not loved ourselves as our neighbours. We have left undone those windows that we ought to have done up, to prevent opportunistic burglary. We have passed off Marks and Spencer food as our own, and we have not walked in the ways of Delia. And we have no health insurance.
Archdruid: Go. And whinge no more.
Hymn: Maureen has Broken the 100K Ceiling
Reading: Well, actually a cosy little cottage up near the Ridgeway above Henley, but it's handy for Heelas and Caversham Waitrose.
Homely (like a Homily, but in a cottage garden style and with Shaker furniture)
Offertory: Gardener, Au Pair, let me serve you*
[during which time Hnaef and Young Keith will come round with their new PIN-enabled card readers]
Nunc Dimminess
And now we can let the au pair give the kids their lunch
While we nip out for our own.
For our eyes have seen a nice little place down near Marlow
quite exclusive but really quite affordable.
A place to go for a quiet Merlot
while we assassinate the character of the preacher.
Prayers for those less fortunate than ourselves (which will last a while because, let's face it, that's most people)
[Including the list of those needing healing (sponsored by BUPA)]
Closing Hymn: And can it be that I should gain an interest rate that will inflation-proof my savings
Blessing:
May the rain fall gently on your herbaceous borders
May the evening sun light up your Tuscan terrace.
May your decking never warp and your trellis never tumble.
May your property values rise
and Mr Barratt never build an estate on your countryside view.
May your Prius start when you ask it
and stop when you need it.
May your bread-maker bless your mornings
and a G-and-T your evenings.
And the Aga keep your kitchen warm all the days of your life.
* With thanks to Banksyboy, whose song idea I have just shamelessly ripped off and corrupted
Nice to see someone taking the holy task of renewing the Anglican middle ground seriously... The task will be nearing completion when we achieve compulsory intinction — such a reasonable compromise between sharing a cup with the kind of people you wouldn't share a bath with and doing without wine.
ReplyDeleteFor our passing-round-the-mead ceremonies we used to use a large, traditional Beaker. But that was frowned on for reasons of hygiene and because we couldn't stop some people necking half a pint of mead before passing it on.
ReplyDeleteSo these days we pour from the giant Mead Beaker into little personalised beakers which can be worn on an authentic leatherette cord around ones neck. Both hygienic and fashionable.
Although I can see that members of some traditions would have problems with the ablutions if this were adopted in the Church of England.