Bridging the cultural gap

It is often said that the Church has a cultural gap when "reaching out" to the World, that unredeemed and unlovely mass of unsaved Mankind* condemned to eternal purgation. Generally in my experience the True Church can be recognised by the joyous outpouring of a heart that knows the love of God, expressed as an outward sign by a fixed and yet spontaneous grin at all times.

But to bridge that cultural gap, the church Music Group has taken to playing at Friday Nights at the Crown and Cushion in Frisby on Soar. And today I took the opportunity, in my first week in the new role, to introduce myself to the "locals".

So while the Music Group repeatedly played "Our God Reigns", which is the only song they can currently play (and even then Erbert is at Capo-8) I made myself known to the quaffers and diners.

It was a joyous time of sharing the Gospel. I told those who were drinking that alcohol is the effluent of the Horned One, and that every additional millilitre was bringing them closer to the Dark Place. And I cautioned the diners that on the day of reckoning, the Entrecotes and Fillets on which they were gorging themselves will turn to ashes in their mouths, just as the world itself will dissolve in ashes.

Having prepared the ground so well, I was about to share with them the Good News that, if they would only turn and rend their hearts and repent, they would be as full of the Gospel and Holy Spirit as I myself. However before I could do so, the landlord threw me out into the street. I bounced off the pavement a couple of times before landing in the gutter. At which point a couple of members of my own congregation, wandering past on a prayer tour of the neighbourhood, looked down at me and said,

"Typical minister. Just as plastered as the last one."

I will remember to expose these people for the unspiritual hypocrites they clearly are, when I preach my sermon on Sunday. In the meantime I will rejoice in my persecution by the landlord of the Crown and Cushion, remembering that in the same way as he treated me, he treated the prophets before me. Truly I have become a fool for Christ.

* I use the term "Man" and "Mankind" rather than the more trendy modern terms "Person" and "Hupersonity", to make it clear that while women are just as prone to be hell-bound as the male of the species, being the weaker gender they're not so much to blame, poor things.