I Predict the 20th Century

Forgot to mention...

When we staggered out of the wreckage of the Cayenne with our meagre belongings (including two Great Auks we picked up on our way back from Ireland) one of the first things we did was nip back to Owermoigne Roundabout to dig it up and get our money back.

But we forgot that was a parallel universe. So there was no money. Maybe in another Dorset, another Archdruid Eileen or Young Keith is getting rich on our ill-gotten gains, but not in our one.

Instead we found a time capsule in the form of a lead cylinder, with a plaque on it saying "Not to be opened until 1 January 1900".  In it was a letter. From me. Or, at least, from the parallel me. I will share it with you. Although, to be honest, it's a bit late now.

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Dear people of the 20th Century

You will not think that you are now in the 20th century, as you believe there's another year till that. Should you live for 100 years, you will find out that you are wrong. I'm not writing this to help you in any way - just to point out your ignorance. The following, however, you may find more useful.

Those amusing horseless carriages you see wandering around the streets very occasionally will take over the world. Take over the world, sucking every drop of oil our of Mother Earth like vroomy leeches and leaving a dark stain over everything they pass, and in the air. It is your duty to your future to stop them. If you see a man driving one of these evil devices, remove its wheels.

In 1914, somebody will shoot an Archduke in Eastern Europe. Being British, you may not find this very important at the time. Unfortunately some people will go totally over the top. If you've got any sense, you'll nip across to the Austro-Hungarian Empure in 1913, and kidnap anyone you meet called Franz Ferdinand. Not only will you prevent a lot of deaths, you will save a lot of earache around about 2005.

Should you ignore this advice and let Frankie Ferdinand die, a very large war will break out. Towards the end of it, people will start to go down with fevers, sneezing and acute bloody pneumonia. Do not assume it's "man flu".Get all the people thus affected to stay in Belgium until at least 1920. It may be bad news for Belgium, but at least it will protect the rest of the world. And it may just prevent the European Union.

Edward VIII will have an affair with an American divorcee. Nobody will let you know, any more than they will tell you that Prince Philip is a Venusian fruit-snake. Don't kick up a fuss about Edward and his Mrs - in another 50 years nobody will care. Actually, thinking about that whole Hitler thing - why not cut out the middle man and stop Eddie being king in the first place?

On the subject of which - in 1935 only idiots and conspiracy theorists will believe that Britain should start building planes and other armaments as fast as possible. The idiots and conspiracy theorists are right on this one. Do what they say.

In 1961 someone will build a wall around Berlin to stop food getting in. Taking their lead, try and build a wall round Liverpool to prevent the Beatles getting out. Honestly, you know it makes sense. You'll be charmed by their boyish good looks and humour to start with, but once you've heard "Mull of Kintyre" or "Imagine" you'll know why this has to be nipped in the bud.

Buy shares in Space Hoppers, Sony, Twitter and Nandos the minute you hear of them.

In 1980, an orange man with implausibly dark hair will become President of the United States. If you think that sounds unlikely, you should see what his successors will be like.

Don't eat the beef. I'm not saying it will hurt you, nor am I saying it won't. But it'll save you a lot of panicking and taking up vegetarianism in 1995.

Do not allow anyone named Bieber to sing.