If I ruled the world

Sometimes I think that it would be better for all if I ruled the world.

After all, I look round the community and I see Drayton Parslow in his WoManse struggling even to manage his own household - proclaiming the man as head of the household while Marjorie pushes him around and tells him when to cook the pancakes. And I see Hnaef trying to buy Daphne's favour with cups of coffee and unsuitable birthday gifts (a guide to Algol? I mean. Even if it is "retro chic"). And I see Burton writing down the registration numbers of cars going into the Safari Park to take his mind off his Lenten vow not to spot trains. And I think - I wouldn't leave these people in charge of a whelk stall. If I weren't running things it would all go to rack and ruin, and I'd be surprised if the doilies ever got pressed.

And I look at Libya and I think - if I had the power I'd sort that. Chuck out the madman and install somebody better. Except, of course, that's what happened in Afghanistan. And that was a great success, wasn't it?
And I see Japan and think that if I could, I'd stop earthquakes and Tsunamis. Yes, I realise that if it weren't for such forces there would never be life on earth. But that was then and this is now. We don't need stuff like that now. I'd have a much safer world. One where cyclists can ride along the road without having to take their chances with idiot drivers of Audi A8s. And petrol was free and didn't produce CO₂. Except then we'd need more roads, until we'd tarmacced over every bit of the Home Counties. And then I realise that if I really ruled the world like that, I'd just be Bruce Almighty and we know how that works. And then I think - except it wouldn't, because I wouldn't listen to anyone's prayers. I'd know what they all needed - what was good for them - and I'd do that. They'd all be happy. They'd all have just what they needed. Nobody would struggle, or suffer, or aspire. They'd just have to follow me. And that would be great. I'd be like Galadriel but without  the blonde wig.

And if I could climb up the scaffolding around the East Wing extension, without a hard hat or safety boots, and throw myself off without harming myself - wouldn't that be great? A world with no need for health and safety. Or personal responsibility. A world where you can't even find danger if you look for it - unless, just maybe, we roped a bit of the Rockies off from people who didn't want the danger, and only allowed the suicidal and thrill-seeking in. And even then I'd make sure they couldn't hurt themselves too much.

It'd be great. Dull, safe, but we could play Enya when we got bored and make our non-polluting industrial products in direct defiance of the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics. The Universe would stop expanding, and universal heat-death would never happen. And people would pile up until there was no room - but at least we'd be safe. And they'd all love me. If I ruled the world.