Livening up Formula One

Bernie Ecclestone has proposed, it would seem, that the F1 tracks should have artificial "rain" to make them more interesting. Which seems to me (though I would hate to affect our neighbours up the road in Silverstone) to suggest that Bernie finds the traditional GP of 30 or so blokes driving cars round corners in procession for a couple of hours just as boring as I do.

So why not, Bernie? Why not liven it up with fake rain?
Or why not put freezers under the track and create ice patches?
Or have people throw oil on the track? That should be exciting.
Or a giant wind machine blowing back up the track during the last lap?
Or insisting that the drivers have to push the car the last 200 yards?
Or put in a bike lane?
Or someone scattering drawing pins?
Or introducing a slot system like in Scalextric, so that rows about team orders can truly be a thing in the past? (Although the hand-held controllers would have to be bigger than Bernie himself)
Or why not drive herds of sheep across the track at random? That would test the drivers' abillity.
Or why not move the Bahrain GP to Tripoli? Then we'd all watch.
Or take away the engines and make the drivers pedal themselves along like Flintstones?
Or have Max Mosley, dressed as Marilyn Monroe, running down the side of the track throwing gladioli to the drivers? That'd test their concentration.
Or introduce the "Pace Tractor", which came out every four laps and just held everybody up?
Or change the format so that the drivers had to cook a three-course meal in front of those two shouty blokes from "Master Chef" before they could start their cars?
Or demand that all cars be jumped-started by the drivers' mate, Martie, from Basildon, who's got a white Capri that he's just done up?
Or introduce a randomly-opening draw bridge?
Or have Jeremy Clarkson shouting insults at the drivers instead of their having a radio feed from their team?
Or put in a random speed-regulator, which will suddenly slam the brakes on or shove the accelerator down when they're least expecting it?
Or make them all drive in reverse?
Or run the Grand Prix at night, under UV lighting, with cars without head lights but painted in Day-Glo colours?
Or introduce a slalom with concrete blocks?
Or ban brakes? Or gears? Or both?
Or put traffic lights at Stowe?
Or make machine guns legal?
Or make the drivers sit in the passenger seats map-reading, while their girlfriends drive?
Or make them drive on grass? Or glass?

All these things are available to you, Bernie. Go ahead. But just remember - there are people who like your sport. I'm not one of them. But then it's not my sport. And I'm not going to start watching just because you turn on the sprinklers.